26 November 2001

According to a news report from Orlando, Florida, which Steve posted on his discussion board,

A Christian theme park sued the county and state, claiming the park was wrongly denied tax-exempt status as a religious and educational facility.

The request for tax exemption for the Holy Land Experience was turned down in June, when property appraiser Bill Donegan said the park is a business, "not a museum, not a school and not a church."

In describing the function of the park, its founders...

...call it a "living museum" that re-creates the Holy Land during the biblical era. Structures such as the Temple of the Great King and the Qumran Dead Sea Caves mimic those in ancient Jerusalem, and actors in period dress recount stories from the Bible and sing religious songs. The Scriptorium, a display of ancient biblical manuscripts, is scheduled to open next year.

This is all very well for starters, but they're really going to build a biblical park, I think there is a lot more they can do with it. Especially in Orlando. They have the Granddaddy of all Theme Parks to look to for inspiration.

Steve suggests:

a Jesus Cross ride where they nail you to a ferris wheel and take you through candy-colored stations of the cross. Or maybe eat at The Last Supper Cafe where you have to wash the waiters' feet and get individually-wrapped portions of bread and wine.

It got my brain to churning. What could they do to really make a go of this theme park. For starters, why limit it to the New Testament when there is so much fun stuff in the Old Testament?

How about a Noah's ark flume ride? Perhaps with a petting zoo attached, two of each animal.

Every park needs a focal point. That Other Theme Park has a Matterhorn. Our religious theme park could have a Tower of Babel, with little cars that race round and round going from top to bottom. To add to the ambiance, hire only non-English speaking attendants, no two from the same country.

Think of the potential for Job's Funhouse!

The 7 plagues of Egypt could be more like a "Fear Factor." The one who flinches first loses.

And then there would be the Jonah's Whale of a Ride. Similar to the Pirates of the Caribbean, guests would board little boats and float gently along the whale's tongue and then be plunged into the depths of his stomach. Propriety prevents me from suggesting how the boats exit the whale's digestive system.

For the youngsters (and gay men) there could be pin the tail (or appendage of your choice) on Goliath.

And don't forget the ever popular "It's an Israelite World After All," where colorfully dressed animatronics would sing Hava Nagila over and over again.

But Old Testament Land is only one of the many lands which make up our religious theme park.

Surely there's a natural ride in the Flight into Egypt. Everyone pile on animatronic donkeys and be chased by Herod's henchmen.

For those who desire a respite from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the park, have a picnic on Beatitude Hill. All-you-can-eat bread and fish.

Back to the action in the park, visit the haunted mansion and watch the dead be raised to life and the lepers cured.

For a small fee, you can walk on water.