Today in My History
Journal, April 2021
Cast (updated 7/16)
18 May 2021
This is the 25th anniversary of David's death. I found this on Facebook and it just seems the right thing to post today, because it's so true. This seems to be written by someone who has lost a young child fairly recently, not a 24 year old 25 years ago (he's now been dead longer than he was alive). But the feelings are similar....
Some people have come to the misunderstanding that all I do is sit around, crying and wringing my hands, unable to function through my grief for my child. Focused on just their death and forgetting we have lives and other children or that our child that died would want this or that from us and we are letting them down because we aren't smiling and happy all the time like we once were.
I'm about to try to set the facts straight for myself and other grieving parents.
We DO go on with our lives.
Are you ready to hear how a typically " normal " day goes for us? Take a deep breath and start reading. We get up in the morning, go through our daily bathroom routine, eat some breakfast, decide what to wear for the day, get gas for our car, go to work, choose where and what we are going to eat lunch, come home ( for those who work outside the home ) do household chores, decide what to have for dinner, play with kids/grandkids/pets ( if we have them ) make and keep doctor/dentist appointments, help kids with homework ( if we have them ) read the paper, watch TV, walk the dog, go visit relatives/friends/neighbors, run errands, take our kids to school or social events, go see doctors and dentist and even some doctors you don't even know we see, replace a burned out light bulb, go shopping for groceries/ Christmas/Birthdays, sit at the computer reading email, surf the net, write to friends, talk on the phone, eat a night-time snack, take a bath/shower, go to bed and try to sleep.
What? Did you say that sounds like a typically "normal " day in
YOUR life? Imagine that. Well, guess what folks!!! We are just like you.
Our day is pretty much the same as yours.
We can be happy, even laugh at jokes or funny movies. But
that happiness will never be joy again, because something is missing. If
we had lost an arm or leg, not a single person would tell us to get over it and
get on with our lives or expect us to get back to normal. Why not? Because
our loss would be visible one for the whole world to see. Yes we could use
crutches or prosthetics, but we would never again be completely back to the way
we were before,
But let our loss be that of a child and everything is different.
Our sadness isn't on display as a missing limb would be. It's like our heart
stopped beating and froze in time but that is internal and you can not see it
therefore to you if our heart stopped beating we would just be dead. No getting
over that part. We look normal so therefore, we are expected to act normal.
Enough of you just seeking attention for sympathy. It's time to get back to normal now! You've grieved long enough!
When you say those things to us, You are telling us to forget our child.
We could not forget our children any more than we could forget we were missing an arm or leg. Some days are more difficult for us than others. Holidays, Birthdays and Anniversaries really hurt. But we also can't forget the days that Might have been like weddings, first jobs, grandchildren that we will never be. (Generations never to exist in this world because they were never given the chance to be born)
When we see a child the same age, as ours would have been, we
wonder, What would our child have looked liked at that age? When we catch a
glimpse of a slender, short dark headed boy and our hearts catch in our throats
because for a split second, we think, There he is! and just as quickly, the
flash of joy is replaced by sadness: It isn't him..
This remembering isn't something we consciously make ourselves do. We even know the exact date and time when our other children will officially be one second older than our child was when he died.
We have extra fear that multiplies so high for the knowing we are not immune and can lose yet another child on any given day. We don't want to hurt like this anymore than you want us to hurt. We try to go about our daily lives as best we can. When thoughts of our child sneaks in unexpectedly, It hurts.
When we see so many reminders of our loss, we hurt. When we are told to get over it and get on with our lives, we hurt. For the rest of our lives, we will live and we will hurt. There's no getting around grief. Ignore it long enough and it comes back doubled.
Well, as you can see, we do get on with our lives and they're
pretty much the same as yours.
What I wouldn't do to be ignorant again!!!!!!!!!
PHOTO OF THE DAY
This is the tree my office had planted in David's memory
I'd love it if you'd leave a comment! (Comments show up after I
This is entry #7723