|"Life goes on, whether you want it to or not..."
It seems to be my mother's favorite saying these days. It's
kind of what she uses to fill an empty space where conversation
should be. This is usually followed by the inevitable "I'm
old, Bev" monologue, running thru her family members who have left
her and whether she's going to live to hunnert. Today was the
first day that she actually said she wasn't sure she wanted to live
She seemed very tired today. I woke her up when I came,
after lunch, to deliver her laundry. But I almost always wake
her up. She seems to spend her time napping. Today,
however, she seemed just more worn out than usual.
In fact, it kind of scared me into taking a series of photos of
her today, since I hadn't taken any in awhile.
Again, she didn't recognize the picture of Brianna and Lacie on
the back of my phone and asked who those girls were when she saw my
phone. The other day she asked me where Paul is these days
because she hadn't seen him in awhile.
She asked many times what I was doing tonight and said that there
is "nothing new here." and that there is "nothing exciting going on
She did, however, say, for the first time not only that she is
happy at Atria (she always tells me that now), but that she had made
a "few friends" that she had chosen carefully. Usually she
tells me she doesn't know anybody there, which is not true.
She just doesn't know anybody by name. But apparently
she remembers now that she has a couple of friends.
I had done her laundry, but I'm going to have to steal clothes
from her. I used to have a full basket every week, but for the
past 3 weeks I have only had underpants, not even bras. Since
she wears the same 3 or 4 outfits every day, surely she needs
something washed by now, but ever since Atria apparently told
the residents that clothes could not be washed (presumably on the
day they were shutting off the water for the day), so not to leave
clothes out to be washed, she has not given me any clothes, though I
remind her that Atria doesn't wash her clothes; I do.
The thing that gives her the most pleasure is the garden area
outside her door. If we aren't discussion what I am going to
be doing at night, she is telling me how beautiful the garden is,
how she loves it that the spring leaves have popped out on the bare
trees (which apparently they did overnight, to hear her tell it).
She finds more beauty in the green of leaves than anybody I have
ever known. Whenever I take her out anywhere, what she notices
the most are the colors of the trees
When she talks about the garden, her eyes sparkle and she doesn't
have that tired look any more....and I am so grateful that we
never moved her into the place in Petaluma, where her apartment
would have looked out on the parking lot and no greenery.
Days like today make me realize that her days are growing
shorter...and there is a part of me that hopes she makes it to
hunnert after all.