MUDDY COMMUNICATION
10 September 2010
For someone who earns money by communicating ideas in print that are
published and passed around to thousands of people, I sure have a lot of difficulty in
getting my meaning across from time to time.
Case in point my entry earlier this week, which was designed to
express my worries about my mother and to elicit information from people who have dealt
with the deterioration of parents so that I have an arsenal of tricks at hand when/if
things with my mother begin to escalate.
Someone read my entry and absolutely exploded on my Facebook
wall. There was a barrage of messages that were so angry that I deleted them all and
decided to have this discussion by e-mail instead.
The writer seemed to feel that I was planning on dragging my mother
off to some horrible home and forcing her to stay there until she died and that I was
hoping that she would die. In explanation, I wrote, in part,
I worry about her. I'm not thinking she's going to need to be moved
anywhere in the foreseeable future, but she's 91 and she is getting worse. Those of us who
see her all the time for extended periods of time have all noticed it. It's not like she's
ready to be put in a home. I hope she can stay in her house for a long time. BUT, she IS
91 years old. She DOES have serious short-term memory loss and I worry about her a lot.
And yes, I do hope she either dies in her sleep, or sitting up in front of CSI drinking a
martini. Of course I think about the manner of her death. We have been watching Walt's
mother die a slow death (she's 97) for many years. She is now in a convalescent hospital
but she has gone from apartment in an adult community to assisted living, to a different
level of assisted living, to hospital, and now to a place where she will eventually die. I
can't think of a worse way for my mother to die, than going piece by piece, bit by bit,
with more and more of her independence being whittled away. So yes, I hope she dies in her
sleep.
The response came quickly:
I suppose I am horrified at the thought of your Mom in some hideous
home wasting away waiting to die. Can't you get someone to stay with her? There's got to
be a better solution than just sticking her in one of those homes. If, as you say, you are
her best friend maybe you cousins could all get together and voice your concerns and
present options to her situation instead of opting for the "home". She's not an
unreasonable person as far as I know, I know she's smart bright and at this point ,yes
forgetful.but she doesn't deserve to be pushed into something she isn't ready for. I felt
horrified at your writings it seemed like you were so angry and there was only one
solution to solve "the problem". I hope that whatever you all decide for her you
at least have the courtesy to talk it out and do it with love and dignity. For myself, and
my family, I've found that it helps to have a counselor or someone impartial to help sort
things out.it really helped me with mom because we had a lot to figure out at the end of
that journey.
I still didn't understand where all this decision that I was angry
with my mother and that I was ready to put her in a terrible home. The last time I
remember being angry with my mother I was in grammar school and we were arguing about some
of my homework. I tried to communicate that.
You seem to have missed the point that she is not ready for such
drastic action. I'm just seeing the beginning signs and am thinking ahead one, two, three
years down the road, if the deterioration that we are BEGINNING to see continues to
progress. I'm not angry in the least. I'm worried. She would hate having someone live with
her and she would hate moving in with someone, especially me (my Aquarian lifestyle would
be impossible for her Virgo sensibilities--we have both laughed about this often).
She would be better in a nice home where she could have her own apartment and where there
would be someone who could check in on her regularly. Walt's mother has been in two such
homes (one in Sacramento, one in Santa Barbara) and they were great. But this is way down
the road. Definitely not now. We're certainly not going to kidnap her and force her to do
anything she does not want to do. At this point I'm just exploring all of the options and
asking for input on what I should watch for.
The response was
I haven't missed any of your points. You have completely turned
around now and changed what you said in your blog. I am concerned because you seem to
think the only option is putting your mom in a "home" for safety's sake. The way
I read your blog was that you were upset at the way your Mom was acting the other night
and you didn't know what to do about her. Of course you are concerned about her
forgetfulness, but as I said before can you make arrangements now....such as speaking with
her and other family members about the "future" . What are you worried
about--that you might have to take care of her? I'd give anything to have my Mom here no
matter how sick or forgetful she was and if it was HER choice to live at a home I would
certainly abide by that. But really Bev, shouldn't it be HER choice about her future plans
and shouldn't you as her daughter and having all these concerns that you've posted for all
your friends and family to see help her make those plans now since its such a concern of
yours? What I really didn't like about your posting is that you seem to think its ok for
everyone to get involved in your drama over what to do about your Mom. Love and dignity
indeed.
I gave up. There was obviously no getting through to the
writer. The end result is wondering if I communicate as clearly as I think I do and
try to do.
This was a great mindset to be in just as I have to be starting to
write an article for the newspaper.
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Cousins Day, August 2010
