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"SOMETHING WITH CHICKEN IN IT"
24 April 2010
I found a wonderful website today. It discusses the suggestion made by Nevada Senate hopeful Sue Lowden about bartering chickens for medical care.
Following this pullet surprise, I immediately sent the link to Dr. G. I am the web master for the "pelvic aesthetics" part of his business and I told him I needed to know if we were going to have to recalculate the fee schedule on the web site. I notice that things like "vaginal rejuvenation" are not covered in the chicken converter at present, so I suppose that we are going to have to make our own calculations.
I do have some problem with the chickens-for-health care plan. I managed two medical offices and I'm struck by the sheer logistics of it all. We had trouble finding places for all of the midwives to see patients as it was. I don't know how we would do it if we had to have a chicken room to store all of the fees that showed up at the office, to say nothing of the fact that we were on the second floor and shared space with a general practitioner, and a pediatrician, all of whom would presumably have the same problem.
The question has been made about payments, and making a downpayment. Would pregnant women pay for their monthly visits in eggs rather than fully born chickens?
If I get hungry some afternoon and fix myself a deviled egg sandwich, would I be accused of embezzlement? Given that my specialty for dinner has for some time been "something with chicken in it," could I get away with sneaking a hen out under my coat?
What about vegetarian physicians? (Well, Mike Bell (R) of Tennessee likes the whole barter system too and points out that some doctors have been paid by Mennonites in vegetables.) Can I pay my bill with a big pot of vegetable soup, then? Is this an answer to all of those zucchini stubbornly growing in the back yard that I can't give away to my neighbors? Do I get reduced fee if I add dumplings?
(Somehow, knowing all the physicians I've worked for, I'm convinced that most doctors would rather be paid in paper lettuce, and in carets rather than carrots!)
If you think about it, though, this barter system would require total revision of our economic system. It's one thing to bring Ch3000 to your doctor (that's the abbreviation for 3000 chickens), but how am I, the office manager to be paid? Chicken wings? Do I get a vat of Buffalo wing sauce as a Christmas bonus?
It could, however, have a big impact on unemployment figures. Doctors would not only be required to hire managers and clerical people and nurses and other support medical personnel, but also chicken herders and chicken feeders and chicken killers and chicken pluckers, and egg gatherers and even chicken sexers, for those precocious eggs who insist on being hatched (I know there is a job of chicken sexer because I saw it on Dirty Jobs once).
Most importantly, we'd need to hire people to clean up chicken poop. Hey! Isn't there some sort of use for guano? Could we harvest chicken poop and have our own version of making lemonade from lemons?
This barter system thing does change the whole look at pyramid schemes, doesn't it?
What would the disaster at Enron look like if we lived on the chicken
and vegetable standard rather than the gold standard? Would we all cry "fowl"?
PHOTO OF THE DAY
"I'm here for my colonoscopy, Doctor!"