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WHEN I AM QUEEN
10 January 2006
We went to see a lively review show, The Martin Luther King Project, Saturday night.
This was how I saw it:
The woman sitting in front of me must have been 5'10, with additional hair piled on top of that. She also was really gettin' down with the music because her head would bob back and forth during lively numbers. I was, I am sure, more aware of the irritation people sitting behind ME must have been feeling because I kept moving my head from one side to another in order to see around Ms. Big Hair. At least I had the (I hope) consideration to kind of slink down in my seat, hoping that I was perhaps low enough that my head movements wouldn't interfere with the sight lines of the people behind me.
I have to admit that, while I was watching the show (when I could see it), I began to make a mental list of all the rules I would make for theatre if I were queen. I thought I should record them here, just in case I forget by the time I am elected.
1. People who are seated in the middle of a row are required to get to the theatre at least 15 minutes early, so that they don't have to climb over everybody in the row as the overture starts. This is especially necessary in houses with continental seating which has no center aisle.
2. Once you are seated, you are not permitted to run out and back again several times before the show starts, disturbing everybody who is sitting there quietly trying to find the plot summary in the program. (This especially applies to those same people in the middle of the row, if they have, in fact, come early. Once you are seated, you must stay in your seat unless you are in danger of peeing in your pants. If this is a problem for you, a trip to the bathroom is highly encouraged, perhaps required, prior to your seating yourself. Allow an extra 10 minutes for this and arrive at the theatre accordingly)
3. You are not permitted to wear any scent other than deodorant (unscented is best, but we'll waive that point is you only have scented). You are especially not permitted to take a bath in your favorite eau de cologne.
4. A bouffant hair style, Rastafari locks, or any sort of big hair may be your best look, but not to the person sitting behind you. Please choose something appropriate which will allow those behind you to see the stage. (sub-rule: "all dressed up" must not include a big hat.)
5. If you are the kind of theatre-goer who believes that all productions, by virtue of the fact that they are live theatre deserve a standing ovation, you will only be given tickets at the back of the theatre. People who prefer to choose their standing-o's for performances which deserve it, and not simply because someone has stepped out in front of a live audience, resent the fact that they are forced to stand up to see what sort of curtain antics are going on, simply because morons in the front feel that standing at the end of a performance is what is expected of the audience.
6. Since it is generally accepted that the American backside is growing, theatres will be required to replace seats with slightly larger versions which will allow people of...ahem...more generous proportions to get into and out of a seat without a shoe horn.
7. Theatres will also not be permitted to line seats up, one behind the other,
but must offset seats, thus maximizing everyone's ability to see, in the off chance that some 6' tall woman with huge hair sits in front of you.
I think we can all agree that these rules will make attendance at live theatre much more enjoyable for all patrons.
Now...can we discuss my election?
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