89th: Speak not evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
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MAKING A LIST...CHECKING IT TWICE
22 November 2004
Now that Halloween is over and the Christmas season is in full swing, I am being inundated with catalogs. I forgot to update my "do not send" list in time.
(Speaking of which, have you noticed that now that a "do not call" list is in effect, the solicitation calls we get are now of recordings that you can't tell "put me on your do not call list"? I guess there's just no way around these b*st*rds!)
But I digress.
Back to the stack of catalogs I have sitting here in front of me. I've been pretty good about throwing them away the day I get them, but even with that the last two days' mail have brought: Hammacher Schlemmer, Eddie Bauer, Herrington, eCost.com, The Scottish Lion, Current, REI (a throw-back to my brief athletic career), Catalog Favorites, Target, Personal Creations, What on Earth, Computer Gear, Coldwater Creek, Norm Thompson, Solutions, 2 Catalogs in 1, Roamans, Cotton Scrubs Co., and about 20 different fat lady catalogs, including Lane Bryant and Just My Size, which each seem to send out 3 catalogs a week. These two companies alone have destroyed an entire forest in the past month.
All these catalogs are slated for the recycle bin this morning to prepare for the stack that will be delivered this afternoon, so I thought it would be a good time to look through them all and see what sort of "I can't live without" items I want to put on my Christmas list. True, I have an Amazon wish list where people can find things that I picked out for myself, but now the world has opened up to me and I've discovered that my choices are ever so more varied.
How have I lived nearly 62 years without owning a set of architecture column pens? Greek Doric, Egyptian Lotus, Greek Corinthian, Egyptian Bud, and Greek Ionic all in a lovely marble desk stand.
If I could only find space on my desk, I'm sure this would be the perfect complement.
I could also place a whole host of devastatingly clever t-shirts on my list, depending on what message I want to display for the world. I'm considering "Lord of the Wings," "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose," or "Honorary Oompa Loompa." I also found a couple that I'd send to the president, if I were into buying gifts for him. "I'm sorry but I don' know any words small enough for you to understand," and "I have my faults but being wrong ain't one of them." Almost makes me want to run out and shop for the Bushes.
Maybe I can do without the architecture column pens, but surely my life is much less rich without a dancing flamingo in it.
I also should add the Wizard of Oz bobbleheads to my Wizard of Oz collection.
And then there is the rug with a big X on it and a sign that says "YOU ARE HERE." It is described as "brilliantly funny and absolutely true. You'll know you've truly arrived when you put this fun rug in just the right spot." I'm a brilliantly funny gal, without a "you are here" rug, but surely this would cinch the deal.
Could I live without a silver-plated, hinged fortune cookie, a watermelon purse, or the game of "Owl Puke"?
I thought perhaps Ned might like matching dolls--the talking Ronald Reagan and the talking George bush. But maybe not.
I've been using a computer for years and years, and I just don't know how I've managed it all these years without my own jeweled mouse...and a lovely woven "carpet" mousepad to go with it.
Maybe I should ask for bathroom candles. "It's the best seat in the house. Hilarious ceramic candleholders shaped like toilets, vibrantly handpainted and glazed for shine." (Why is it that I haven't yet fallen off my chair laughing at all these "hilarious" products?)
All my life I've wanted a real pizza clock. This one is just "hilarious," of course. It's just the perfect thing to complement a set of 3 rooster gourmands, "whimsical" figurines of roosters holding wine, sauté pan, tasting spoons and bread. (Anything that's not "hilarious" is "whimsical," I've noticed.)
I'm sure Jeri would be thrilled with a martini beaded coin purse.
Keeping with the food theme, I was pleased to see that somebody has come up with a hot dog cooker, which will allow you to cook both your hot dogs and your buns at the same time. Now could some other genius please figure out how you can buy a package of hot dogs and a package of buns and have the number in each match?
I must admit that I am a bit intrigued by the pocket back scratcher which telescopes to 26˝" and then retracts to pen size to fit in your purse. As I have a wooden back scratcher hanging here on my desk, and use it frequently, perhaps this is not quite so odd a gift as it might seem, though I can't imagine myself whipping out a silver back scratcher while sitting in the waiting room of the airport.
And I'm sure I can't live without the wristwatch TV. Every time I see something like this, I marvel at how far-seeing Chester Gould, the creator of Dick Tracy was. We all laughed at the idea of Tracy's two-way wrist radio. Now we have real life wrist televisions, though they don't (yet) get HBO or The Food Channel.
With my new blue bathroom, I don't think I should ask for the brown and white towel, labeled "face" and "butt."
The omni-present Thomas Kinkade is back this season with a line of...are you ready for this? Snickerdoodles! Yes, the artist of light is now selling cookies, all packaged up in a box decorated with one of his homespun paintings.
But this one is my all-time favorite. It pops up, so to speak, in the most unlikely catalogs as a lovely gift that anyone would like.
This is the
Fukuoku 9000 "massager," the description for which reads, "Simply slip your
finger into the massager and feel the sensation of 9000 pulsating waves per minute
soothing any needy body part. This finger massager is perfect for easing your aching
pains, soothing your sore muscles and providing overall relaxation therapy. This
power-packed massager delivers soothing vibrations that penetrate deep and it fits in your
Uh...it's a vibrator, folks! Don't believe that this woman is going to use it to ease her aching pains, sooth her sore muscles or provide overall relaxation therapy (well, maybe the last one!). I love that the description explains that it can soothe "any needy body part." Even the name says it all: Fukuoku. Make it sound Japanese and you can get away with it.
Somehow I don't think that the folks at Good Vibrations could get away with advertising their line in mainstream catalogs that little old ladies are going to use when they want to order dancing flamingos or Wizard of Oz bobbleheads. The guys who managed to pull this one off--no pun intended--are brilliant marketers.
Maybe I'll just use one stop shopping and get a Fukuoku for everyone on my Christmas list. I'm sure my 91 year old mother-in-law will be so pleased.
Websites of the Day
In case you're interested in putting your money where it might really make a difference, I learned about a couple of good charitable sites you might want to check out if charitable giving is on your Christmas list. One is The Caring Collection, which benefits cancer patients at the Johns Hopkins Oncology Center.
The second is The Semper Fi Fund, which provides financial grants and other assistance to the Marines, sailors, and families of those injured serving our nation.
And then there is always The Heifer
Project. How often do you get the chance to buy a cow or a sheep or a flock of
PHOTO OF THE DAY
Claire says that the sheep shearers wear these special shoes.