If I ever go looking for my heart's desire, I
won't look any further than my own back yard, because if it isn't there, I never really
lost it to begin with.
~ Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz
Breakfast: Oatmeal with
TODAY on TV
GLASS HALF FULL
28 May 2004
Boy, if you start feeling sorry for yourself, I recommend just talking about it publicly. Thanks to everyone who wrote to me privately and posted to the guestbook.
Jim says "By the time you get to be our age....it's time to say to hell with the negatives and recognize our accomplishments. "
My friend diane [sic] says "I know it's cheesy but I do actually like that saying you Americans have! "when life gives you lemons make lemonade". Each time you've had a "failure" you've gone on to do something else..... it's what you do with it that counts....."
So I thought I'd take yesterday's entry and turn it around into a positive. The thing I did say was that I have a somewhat indomitable spirit that is going to keep me going no matter what. And I think that there is proof that there are two ways of looking at anything, success or failure.
If yesterday was a "glass half empty" kinda entry, let's make this a "glass half full" one.
No, I didn't graduate from college, but I was on a path I hated (my father said I will be a teacher), and what I loved doing was clerical stuff. Quitting college allowed me to take a job I loved--a job which, to this day, is still my favorite.
My departure from La Leche League and The Experiment in International Living was painful and embarrassing, but if I look at the totality of those experiences, it was anything but negative. I learned so much and grew so much--who knew I would ever get up in front of an audience of a couple hundred people and give a speech with no notes!
The Experiment opened our lives to so many wonderful people, so many wonderful experiences, and even if there were one or two bad apples that brought it to a crashing halt, they can't take away the "photo wall" of all the beautiful family members we added to our lives over the years.
(this isn't the whole lot--but many of them)
And then let's look at jobs. With exactly the same information I put forth as negative, I can put a positive spin on it. In the first job, yes, I was fired--but later my former boss apologized and told me it was a huge mistake she'd made. It was too late, of course, but that made me feel much better.
In the second job, I don't know if I was fired--I know there was no thanks involved, or apology for the abrupt end of the job--but that job taught me medical transcription and opened the door to the job I loved for 10 years.
Being let go from Sutter was painful, but it was the corporation that did it, not the doctors, and I remain friendly with those doctors Sutter told me didn't want me. And there is wonderful satisfaction knowing that nobody who has replaced me has lasted as long as I have and that they continue to have a difficult time keeping people in the job they said I wasn't qualified to hold.
Losing my last job was a terrible blow to my ego, but it was a job I really didn't like. I liked being in a community of fellow workers again, after two years by myself in Dr. G's office, but I didn't really like one of them (there were only three) and I hated the work. I might have fought harder for a chance to improve, but in my heart of hearts, I was glad to give it up.
I admitted that intellectually I was not to blame for David's and Paul's deaths, and could not have prevented them. But I have three living, wonderful children whom I love and who love me. In that I am rich beyond measure, contrasted to my father, who died alone and friendless, having driven away his wife, and both his children with his bitterness. I am the winner in this regard!
I have a husband who loves me and who puts up with me when I sometimes wonder how he can do it!
As far as the weight goes--well, we all need challenges, right?
There may be parts of my life that I wish were different, but who doesn't? As Jim points out, when you live this long, there are bound to be parts of life that are unpleasant.
Nicole wrote this morning, "Sure, it would have been great not to have so many failures in your life but you have come through them fighting (and will continue to thrive despite any future setbacks). Imagine how scary it would be not to know you have such strength inside your self."
I still see myself as that cartoon worm, but Mary wrote, "To think in all these years of hanging around with you, I've never seen a single hint of worminess!" and Char added "Maybe a butterfly flitting from flower to flower...... "
So it was a brief detour into that dark world of "poor me" but I really do know that there are far more successes than failures in my life.
The Scarecrow longed for a brain, then he proved throughout the story that
he really had one all along. I suspect that it's the same for me. Most of the things I
long for are things that I really have had all along.