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This Day in My History


TODAY's QUOTE

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion . . . . I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

~ Kurt Vonnegut


Yesterday's Entries

2000: Back to Basics
2001:
  Oh, My Aching Back
2002:  Spinning Straw Into Gold
2003:  Everything Old is New Again....and Again...and Again


TODAY's FOOD

Breakfast:  Cranberry Muffin
Lunch:  Lean Cuisine
Dinner:  Steak with rice


CURRENTLY READING

The Oath
by John Lescroart


TODAY on TV

Six Feet Under
Sopranos
Queer as Folks


Buy my stuff at Lulu!

NEW CALENDAR!!


 

GOOD THINGS ABOUT TODAY
  • A friend like Olivia to kick my butt when I get to feeling sorry for myself.

  • I was smart enough to interview both the director and the actors in the play I have to review.

  • A long, hot shower.

 

 

STOP THE WORLD--I WANT TO GET OFF

17 May 2004

The tapestry of my world is unraveling and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s all the "little things" that are going to push me over the edge.

I volunteered to bake a wedding cake for a celebration that’s being held downtown tomorrow, in conjunction with the first official, legal wedding licenses to be issued in the state of Massachusetts. I said long ago that I would bake a wedding cake for Shelly and Ellen, but since they never had a reception this is in lieu of that.

I got all of my ingredients together yesterday and baked the first two layers. Then I went off to the university to review a show.

Since I stopped working and started getting enough sleep at night, I haven’t had any problem falling asleep during shows, like I did for the first couple of years I was a reviewer. I’d had enough sleep the previous night and I didn’t anticipate any problem.

Usually I have a companion along to poke me if I start to doze, but Walt had gone up to Tahoe, I asked a couple of people if they were interested in going with me, which they were not, and so I went alone.

Outside the theatre I met the mother of one of the actresses (I recognized her instantly because she looks like an older, shorter version of her daughter). I chatted with her a bit and we ended up sitting together.

The play was quite good. Funny, intelligent, honest--a morality play.

I don’t do "deep."

I’m very bad at "message" plays.

I also still have the cold I caught in Boise and struggled and struggled not to cough. There was never a real break in the play where I could cough, so I tried to pick spots where it wouldn’t disrupt the actors too much. I also compulsively ate some altoids I had in my purse, hoping that would help calm the need to cough.

The combination of struggling with the cough, and the heavy message of the play, in a warm theatre, made me nod off.  I realized as the show ended that I’d slept through a bunch of it. An entire scene I’d watched being rehearsed I didn’t see at all in the performance. And there I’d been sitting next to the mother of one of the actors, behind the artistic director for a theatre company in Sacramento, and in direct view of the director of this play.

So I am now faced with writing a review of a play I didn’t understand and missed part of. I saw enough to know that it was an excellent production, but how I can stretch that to 750 words is going to be a miracle.  Sometimes I get some help by finding reviews on the Internet, but there are no reviews of this play on the Internet.   I'm totally on my own here.

This morning before I started on the review, I went to take the first (largest)   cake layer out of the pan...and the damn thing fell apart!!!!! I now have to start from scratch again. And hope I do better the next time.

I sat down in my chair to think things over for a minute, and the chair broke. Again.

To calm myself down, I decided to install some software a friend of Olivia’s had given me. OK, it’s pirated, but he assured me it would work fine. I had all sorts of plans for how I planned to use it. It won’t install.

At the same time I was playing one of the millionth on-line games of Scrabble with my friend Joan, who has been beating me handily for some time now.  I just can't seem to get decent letters consistently throughout a game.

When I went to make the next cake, I saw I'd bought the wrong cake mix. Instead of needing water and oil, this one needed 3 eggs and 1/2 cup of butter for each mix (and one layer takes 2 mixes). I can't even buy the right cake mix.

It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I ended up sitting here in tears. I can’t hold a job. I can’t ride my bike. I can’t stay awake through a show. I can’t stay on a diet. I can’t sit in a bloody chair. I can’t bake a cake. I can’t install software. I can’t play Scrabble. I can’t... I can’t... I can’t. It seemed like I could only focus on all the negatives in my life and I was having a real good pity party here when Olivia called to cheer me up.

After I talked with her, I realized at least a little bit about maybe why I’m so emotional today. Tomorrow is the end of our "grief season." Tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of David’s death.

It’s just a bad, bad day today. I’m normally fairly optimistic, but today all the "can’t’s" in my life are starting to weigh heavily on me.

(Oh yeah--the kitchen is also a mess again, with all of the cake baking going on.)


PHOTOs OF THE DAY

cakecrumbs.jpg (37485 bytes)

What was left after I cut out the middle--hoping to find
a way to use it, somehow.

 

For more photos, please visit My Fotolog and My FoodLog


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Created 4/30/04 setstats 1