January 10, 2004

This Day in My History

TODAY's QUOTE

The chief cause of stress is reality.

~ Lily Tomlin

Yesterday's Entries

2001: The Creative Process
2002: Me and the Duchess*
2003: Don't Know Much about His-to-ree

*I joined Weight Watchers 2 years ago today.

TODAY's READS

Angels and Demons.

TODAY's ENTERTAINMENT

Jesus Christ Superstar by Davis Musical Theatre.

TODAY'S FOOD

Breakfast: Kashi cereal

Lunch: Huge chicken salad

Dinner: Risotto and spinach...and too much picking on stuff.

TODAY's WEATHER

Rain...rain...rain...

UNRAVELING

10 January 2004

"If it hurts, don’t do it," she told me.

That was the advice I got from my physical therapist at our first meeting, when she gave me the first set of exercises. Since that time I’ve kind of let "pain" be the determining factor of whether I was doing too much or not.

Lately it seems that things are hurting more. Perhaps it’s because I’m back working under pressure after my "regular job" ends again. I am buried with transcription and find that the action of typing rapid-fire, working under the stress of knowing how far behind I am is causing more pain in my shoulder, which compounds the problem because I can’t type as long as I should be, which puts me farther behind, increases the tension and makes it all worse.

Yesterday I worked hard and got several tapes done. Today more arrived. I just died inside when I saw that ^%$#@ envelope appear to add to the stack.

But today I couldn’t work on dictation. I had promised my cousin, who is trying to establish a genealogy research site (Carolyn’s Corners) that I would get her web site designed and up today.

Designing was the easy part.

Then came trying to deal with AT&T’s web builder site which was so frustrating that I literally screamed "GET OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" to Walt, who will tell you that under normal circumstances, I am not a screamer.

The worst part of this is that what I did not realize was that the hours working on the web site, combined with the frustration of trying to make it through AT&T had done terrible things to my arm.

About the time I was ready to punch out the computer monitor, I stood up to take a break and realized that I had sharp pains running down my arm. I had overdone waaaay too much.

I was near tears. I couldn’t figure the damn web site out. My arm was hurting, I had a stack of transcription I hadn’t been able to get to, Walt reminded me I have a show to review tonight and so I did the only logical thing:

I turned my back on the very good work I’ve done all week, sticking to my diet 100%, and I ate too much. I snacked while fixing dinner -- and on the wrong things. Oh, I probably am within the 35 flex points, but the real problem was that I was standing there eating and eating and eating, recognizing that I was eating out of pure unadulterated stress, and just not caring.

It’s an ugly thing when you come up against your reality in such a crystal clear way.

Food is my alcohol. My cocaine. My cigarettes. My fix.

I keep telling myself that when I’m able to stick with the diet (oh let’s not call this a lifestyle change -– let’s call a spade a spade...this is a diet) I feel very good about myself. I’m taking care of myself. I’m eating healthy. But this is not a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change is when stress comes and I do not respond by eating.

I don’t think I’ve done irreparable damage to my week, but really, I could have been eating carrots and it would still be the same -– I was responding to stress by eating compulsively, recognizing that I was eating compulsively and not caring. If I could ever get a handle on that part of my life, this "lifestyle change" would be a breeze.

I took off long enough to make a batch of risotto for dinner, sit down and eat the dinner, and then come back into the office again "just to check it out one more time."

I was calmer now. And it was all very clear. Piece o’cake (well, not quite a piece o’cake, but not nearly the problem I was having before). The web site is now up, though it still needs some fine tuning (especially the last page, which was not meant for people to read yet!).

My arm is killing me and I should be transcribing, but fortunately I have to go sit in a theatre and listen to Jesus Christ Superstar, a show I enjoy. That will force me to sit still for 3 hours and not continue to abuse my arm for the evening -- and since the review isn't due until Monday, I can even go to bed when we get home and let the arm rest throughout the night.

This was not the high point day of my week, by a long shot.

PHOTO OF THE DAY

connection.jpg (25134 bytes)

This is the book my cousin wrote about our family.

For more photos, please visit My Fotolog and My FoodLog