 Thank you so much for your nomination of my entry, Time for a Rant for a Diarist.Net
award in the "best rant" category. If you have an on-line journal and are
so inclined, I'd thank you even more for your vote!
Congratulations to my buddies for their nominations too... Marn, Sunshyn, Michael, and Terri...and a BIG congratulations to Steve on being nominated for a
well-deserved "Legacy" award. Check out all the entries and vote your
conscience!
JUDY AND I THANK YOU
28 May 2003
I knew it was going to be a good day when I put on my slacks and
they didn't feel tight. Of course they aren't the smallest ones I own, but they
aren't the largest ones either--and they have been feeling a bit snug. But not this
morning.
It was another of those days when I had no concerns whatsoever about
facing a weigh-in. I didn't even fidgit around on the scale looking for that "sweet
spot" that will knock a couple of ounces off of your weight. I stood there solidly
while the weigh-er went looking for a new book for me (I'm starting Book #3). The numbers
were there, big and bold. I'd lost 4.8 lbs. I accepted my congratulations happily--I'd
earned them.
It's such a wonderful feeling, being "in control." The
great thing about where I am right now is that I "fell off the wagon" at
Christmas time and have been struggling with getting back on again for the months between
then and now. There's a big difference between being on track with eating, and being
on track in your head. And my past history shows that when I have one of these big
crashes, it takes literally years before I'm able to get my head back in that place
again, even if it takes a few weeks before I completely give up even trying to stick with
a diet.
This time, I had "slips" just about every week. Sometimes
huge slips. Sometimes weeks where I was only paying lip service to sticking with the
program. All of the factors in place for my giving up in the past. I had done it in
1985. Lost 80 lbs and then slowly put it all back again--and lots more.
But this time I haven't (I'm not even going to say "so
far"). And I've hung in there long enough that now I feel back to where I was in my
head a year ago--on track, working the program 100%, feeling confident that I'm losing, losing
and feeling in control of myself.
What's made the difference? Why have I been able to get over the
huge hump I've been struggling with for four months?
You guys. This journal. Going public. And now adding the fotolog.
I keep saying it, but it's really true. Being accountable to the
world (or the 300-350 people who read this journal on weigh-in day!) makes a difference. I
suppose it shouldn't, but it does. It would be easy to just quietly slip back into the old
habits (which I have, from time to time), but then I realize that Tuesday comes and not
only will I have to step on the scale at WeightWatchers, but I promised myself to be
accountable to the the wonderful people who have been so supportive. So it's a double
edged sword.
As I wrote the above paragraph, I was thinking about Judy Garland's
last movie, "I Could Go On Singing." In the movie, which is more than a little
bit autobiographical, she's had a kind of mini breakdown. She ends up drunk in an
emergency room and Dirk Bogard, her former lover, is trying to take her to the theatre,
where a sell-out crowd of fans is waiting for her concert.
Eventually he's able to convince her to return to the theatre and
the angry fans who are waiting. But she's scared. He promises her that he'll stay until
she doesn't need him any more.
She walks out on stage and begins calming the fans. She's nervous,
but she starts singing. She keeps an eye on Bogard, who waits in the wings.
As she gets into her song, she gains confidence, she gets energy
from the crowd and soon she's in command of the stage and herself. At that point, she
glances into the wings and Bogard is gone. You can see a moment of hesitation on her face,
but then she continues singing and is able to stand on her own two feet.
Maybe that's not exactly the situation here, but it is sort of. I
feel like all of you guys have been supporting me, standing in the wings cheering me on
until the day when I can stand on my own two feet.
I have to warn you, that day may never come! But I do get so much
strength just from all of your support. All the hugging when I succeed, kicking when I
fall down, and supporting when I'm discouraged. It is all what keeps me going.
And I'm feeling pretty good tonight. I'm so close to 70 lbs...again.
That's my goal for this week...to lose 3.2 more lbs so I can finally get back into the 70s
again. And then it's down...down...down yet again. |
