HOW TO SABOTAGE YOURSELF IN 9 EASY STEPS

14 May 2003

Now here's an interesting idea. What do you suppose would happen if:

1. I stopped bike riding because Cindy can't ride right now and I'm too busy on the weekends to do my long bike rides...

2. I got too busy to drink lots of water throughout the day...

3. I put off until a "tomorrow" which doesn't seem to come going to Curves because I am either too busy at work or too tired at the end of the day...

4. I didn't go back to the athletic club for the same reason...

5. I tried skipping meals to make up for whatever indiscretion I'd committed, only to get so hungry I wolfed down those damn Luna bars we're drowning in at the office...

6. I started stress eating in general because I don't have time to go anything *else* to relieve stress...

7. I decided "the hell with it" when I was traveling and just ate what I wanted...

8. I started eating junk food just because I was so angry with myself for losing control (now there's a logical punishment)...

9. I skipped a Weight Watcher meeting or two because of trying to get all the work finished and because I knew I'd gained anyway and would make it up next week.

What do you think would happen if I did all that, kiddies?

I'd gain back NINE FRIGGING POUNDS, that's what.

Not that I'd actually *do* anything like that of course.

Yeah. Right.

Sigh. OK. How many times in the past year and a half have I said "Sigh...ok...." Well, this is another one of them.

God, it's hard to drag myself to a meeting when I know that I"m going to show a weight gain. And it's equally difficult to sit down in front of the computer knowing that I made a commitment to myself to be honest about this journey of mine, but knowing that I have to embarrass myself--yet again--by admitting that I've let life get out of control.

Again.

But I went to the WeightWatchers meeting. And I stepped on the scale. And here I am writing about it. Again.

The frustrating thing about this business is that it takes so much work to get to where I've been and it takes so little effort to begin sliding...and sliding...and sliding. Each morning I wake up, full of purpose, full of good intentions, convinced that today is going to be the day...and then the day starts and by 10 a.m. when I've walked in the door of the office, it's all shot to hell.

It was good to go to the meeting this morning. It was on shopping pitfalls, and since I had to go shopping after work, it helped significantly.

The problem with me--and I know I've said this time and time again--is that I'm a compulsive eater. That doesn't mean I should just give up sweets or give up snacks or give up x, y, or z. It means that when the compulsion hits, I can eat too much of anything. Find a perfectly good food that works into my diet, has all the right nutrients, is good for me, and I'll find a way to overindulge in it when the frustration gets too much and I start living from hand to mouth without interference from any brain activity whatsoever.

Well, today didn't go too badly. I started with high ideals and so far--8 p.m.--I've still kept to them. I actually snacked on tomatoes, like I used to do for months. Now I'm going to cook dinner and have a high-veggie dinner planned, which should get me through the night.

I'm 15 months into this thing and it's still a day to day thing, hanging on from day to day hoping that I'll stick with the program today and that I'll be able to stick with it tomorrow as well.