THIS NEARLY WAS MINE

19 March 2003

Well, I seem to be see-sawing back and forth, up one pound, down one pound, up one pound, down one pound. Today was up one pound day. No real reason for it other than we have a new person in the office who believes in going to lunch, so I've been eating out more this week than I usually do, and I suspect that sandwiches instead of salad (no salad bar nearby, unfortunately) have done the trick. But that's OK. Next week is a "down one pound week" so I'm not worried. But still, it's a good to reflect back a year...

This entry should be categorized under the heading "TMI." Too much information. And another instance of my embarrassing myself in public, for the whole world to see.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I contemplated purchasing my own seat belt extender so that when I traveled on a plane, I wouldn't have to embarrass myself by asking a flight attendant for one. At that time, I still fit...barely...in most seat belts, though I was threatening gangrene of the lower half by cutting off all blood supply below the waist. On smaller planes, it had long since passed that point. When you extend the belt full length and realize that there is a full six inches (or more) between the buckle and the clasp, all the "sucking it in" in the world isn't going to make them meet.

I heard about a company that sold seat belt extenders and so I ordered a catalog. I think it probably came in a plain brown wrapper. I was thus given a glimpse of what lay ahead of me if I kept on eating the way I had been. Indeed, I was already there in some instances.

The seat belt extender was too expensive--especially since I learned there are two types which are used in airplanes, and in order to be covered, you really needed both types, and I just didn't feel I could pay that much to avoid being too embarrassed to ask for the one that came with the plane.

There are lots of things that you can't do when you're fat. Most of them obvious. You can't tie your shoes (it seems to me this catalog had velcro shoes as well, for those who can't bend over long enough to get shoes tied. I really could relate to that. It's why I wore my shoelaces double knotted for years because once I got them tied, I didn't want to run the risk of having them come untied at an inopportune time when I couldn't GET to them to tie them in public).

Sometimes you can't even weigh yourself. I was too heavy for most home scales. The digital ones were the worst. You stand on it and all that comes up is "O." I suspect that means "overweight" but I always felt it stood for "oooof." If I had kept on eating, I would have been too heavy for the scale at the doctor's office. I remembered seeing segments on television of people who had to be weighed at a truck stop because they could no longer be weighed on a regular scale.

(I also listened to the guy who was installing the new DEXA machine tell the rad tech that people who weighed over a certain weight couldn't be weighed on it because they'd break the table. I was dangerously close to being in that position. In fact, when I had my own DEXA exam done a year or so ago, before I started working for Dr. G., the tech almost didn't let me take the exam because I was just at the very top of the allowable weight for the table.)

But there were other...uh...shall we say "personal hygiene" products in the catalog. Those were the most embarrassing to admit needing. Sponges or clothes on long handles to reach those parts that you have lost the capability of reaching so that you can clean yourself.

You know, when you reach a certain age--around the time of menopause--it's quite common for women to begin to have a little "leakage problem." That's why they developed Kegels exercises. That's why they invented Depends. It wasn't until I no longer had a huge belly to try to reach around that I realized that I didn't have a problem at all...my "problem" just came from being unable to get to places to wipe myself. And is THAT ever embarrassing to admit...but it's also, as always, a good reminder of how far I've come and how much better life is now than it was a year ago.