BOREDOM, FRUSTRATION, ACCESS

24 June 2003

Three really dangerous things, I'm discovering.

Today I got pissed. Really, really, really pissed. I won't say about what--that's not the point of this. But it was enough to send me to the one place I shouldn't visit: the refrigerator. It wasn't my first unauthorized trip.

I've discovered the danger of being at home, semi-immobile, and unable to even get out to go shopping.

When we're low on groceries, I reach for the higher carb foods. Without a job to go to, work I am able to do here, and no possibility for exercise, there are very few things I can do to pass the time, and I admit that I have not been spending a lot of time creatively figuring out how to eat. Heck, I can't even plan those fancy WeightWatchers meals that keep my interest going...I can't get to the store to buy the ingredients, and I can't kill time by preparing them.

It's times like this when I realize how "food-centered" my life is.

I plan the foods to eat.

I shop for the foods to prepare the recipes I've planned

I spend time fixing the foods

I try to present them in an attractive (to me) way

I figure out snacks to have in between time.

My god, my life is food.

Since the accident, I am aware that I have eaten way too much.

I'm even zoning out like I used to--suddenly looking down in my lap and realizing that I've just finished x,y,z without even really realizing that I'd eaten it.

I've passed through this phase before and how do I get through it? I get on my bike and go out for a long ride.

Bzzt. Wrong. What can I do now?

I'll be so glad when the swelling in my knee goes down and I can get on that exercise bike. I actually tried today, but making the full revolution of the pedals requires a tight bend on the knee and that sends shooting pains up my leg from skin stretched too taught over that pocket of water that is oh so slowly decreasing.

I need to find a one-handed hobby, but at this point everything frustrates me after a short time. The stress of trying to do things with one hand puts strain on my shoulder and I decide that this might not be the healthiest thing to do for my recovery.

Even something as seemingly easy as clearing junk off a desk or a table becomes a major project when you have to twist your body in strange positions to do it. When I start doing anything, within 10 minutes, my shoulder feels like a knuckle that needs to be cracked and I am nervous about doing damage to it, so I stop.

So the only thing that really doesn't hurt any part of my body is (a) sitting in a chair with my knee up, and (b) eating. I've got to make this week about finding an alternative. Even when it's good for me stuff, I can overdue just out of sheer boredom and frustration.