BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE!
20 July 2003
Denver Doug, bless him, in response to one
of my whining messages recently about time hanging heavy on my hands wrote, "It is
totally frustrating when a person gets into recovery far enough that they feel good and
that they should be able to do things the way they used to, but can't get the bod to
I'm not good at recovery. This is the first accident I've had in my life that has
really incapacitated me for any length of time. Lazy though I may be in real life, I've
always had the ability to do 40 bazillion things at once and if I didn't do them, it was
by my choice. So a month-plus since the accident, inactivity is chaffing.
Olivia, who has perfected the art of recovery, warns of the dangers of doing too much
Jim, my barbecue surgeon, also warned of the dangers of doing too much too soon.
But it is difficult to sit and watch Walt doing all the work without feeling guilty
(now if I were well and he were doing all the work, at least my guilt could get me
up to unload the dishwasher or something).
I really do have to admit that recovery is slow and steady and that when I make the
biggest, most noticeable improvement is after a period of the inactivity I'm supposed to
be following. (Maybe this will all change next week after I see the doctor--we can only
So I vacillate between thinking I need to wash the floor, cook dinner, empty the
dishwasher, and finish up Dr. G's book...and sitting in the recliner resting my shoulder.
To pass the time, I've probably watched more television in the past month than I have
in the last three years. I've actually seen the Eukanuba dog show on Animal Planet (all
four hours of it)...twice!
I've seen dozens of "biographies" on the biography channel, though I did pass
on the chance to find out the deep dark secrets of Pamela Sue Anderson.
I've seen lots of "Behind the Actor's Studio."
Today I watched the Tour de France--now there's a biggie. I've started watching sports.
That must be how desperately I miss riding my bike!
The main thing I've learned from all this television watching (other than that
television is a great soporific), is that you can buy anything for $19.95.
Want a tummy trimmer...something you strap around your waist and turn on to jiggle
while you sit in your recliner, remote in hand, an ice cream cone in the other hand, and
have your body turned into a sculpted hard body? Just $19.95. But wait! There's more! If
you order in the next ten minutes, they'll send you two tummy trimmers for $19.95.
Tired of dry cracked feet? Get Miracle Foot Repair, an amazing new miracle cream that
turns those cracks into baby soft skin. But wait! There's more! If you order in the next
ten minutes, they'll include a professional home manicure system for your $19.95.
Tired of trying to move your furniture around? Only $19.95 will get you a set of
"moving men," little disks that you slip under the furniture which allows you to
push them easily with one hand. But wait! There's more! If you call in the next ten
minutes, they'll send you a second set absolutely free! (They say it will also move
cars. If I'd had "moving men" the other day, maybe I could have pushed the car
and not tripped over Jeri's feet and landed up on the cement again!)
Tired of using needle and thread to attach buttons? For only $19.95 you can get an
amazing machine that attaches buttons in seconds. But wait! There's more! If you call in
the next ten minutes, they'll include scissors and a traveling case absolutely free.
Collect coins? Here's a bargain. For only $19.95 you can buy a limited edition of a
rare coin minted in 1933. But wait! There's more! If you call in the next ten minutes
they'll throw in a velvet lined case absolutely free. (Does anybody believe that a replica
of a rare coin is going to be worth something some day?)
Don't like flossing? Get the "Clean between machine," a battery powered
hand-held little brush that will brush between your teeth, for only $19.95. But
wait! There's more! Call in the next ten minutes and they'll throw in extra
brushes and a tooth whitening liquid (kind of like the old white-out).
It's amazing to me that people fall for all this stuff.
What's that you say? That box on the kitchen table? Uh...it's nothing. Nothing. Just
some plastic travel bags that I...uh...thought looked interesting.
Besides, since I called right away, they threw in an inflatable travel pillow.
It was an offer I couldn't refuse.