OK--IT'S BAD, BUT I DID IT

8 January 2003

Yesterday, I suggested starting a pool on how much weight I would have gained when I finally got to the scales today. Bob of And If I Die... was in first with an optimistic 3 lbs. I had said if I gained less than 10 I'd be thrilled. I'm not thrilled. I gained 12 over the past 3-4 weeks.

So. It's a new year.

Yesterday, Dr. G asked me how I did over the holidays. "Terrible," I said to him. He shrugged. "Well, you've been doing wonderful all year. It won't kill you to go off a little."

This reminds me of a scene in "The Big Voice: God or Merman?" when Steve talks about coming to terms with his sexual orientation. He visited a therapist and when he finally stammers out the truth that he's gay (actually he says "bisexual," 'cause he can't quite wrap his tongue around the word "gay"), the therapist shrugs and says. "and...?"

Steve's line is "That shrug was the single most healing moment of my life. I guess I always knew it was ok to be gay, but I just needed someone to tell me."

I had a similar reaction to Dr. G's reaction to telling him that I'd totally blown it over the holidays. He didn't act aghast. He didn't recoil in horror. He didn't tsk-tsk-tsk and make me feel guilty. He knew that I'd come this far and that I wasn't going to give up, and what's the big deal if I went berserk for a couple of weeks?

Then this morning at WeightWatchers, I talked with my leader, Chris. Chris lost something like 80 lbs and has kept it off for 11 years (maybe it's 12 by now). She admitted that she'd had a difficult time over the holidays too. She said she'd dutifully recorded all the points, except for one day (I didn't do that, unfortunately), but that "sometimes you just..rebel."

If someone who has lost about the same amount I've lost and kept it off for so long can still struggle with food issues, forgive herself, and move ahead, well then, so can I.

It was a huge help to take a photo of myself this morning, with the intent to send it to the Irish relatives, who only recently learned that I've been dieting.

I just got a marvelous new Epson photo printer, so I'm having a great time making my own prints and so I made this "January - December" print to send her..

Now the December picture was actually taken this morning, with my newly re-acquired 12 lbs of fat. I have to admit, even with 12 more lbs on-this doesn't look half bad. And I certainly don't want to go back to looking like my "before" picture.

 So, once again.pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

Hello. My name is Bev. I am a foodaholic.

We had a patient in here this morning, a nice thin young thing, and when Dr. G asked her what she'd had for breakfast, she said "a banana." He clucked over that a bit, letting her know that wasn't enough to start her day. "I just got too busy," she said.

Oh how I wish I could feel that way. "Too busy" to eat. I am, unfortunately, never too busy to eat. I react to stress by eating. I react to depression by eating. I react to joy by eating. I react to hunger by eating. I even eat when I'm nauseated! So hearing my leader this morning talking about having "fallen off the wagon" over the holidays too, I realize that this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me. There will always be "holidays" and times when I lose it. But if I can get right back into the program again, food won't completely take over my life again.

While I get caught up in the numbers game, and enjoy doing "then and now" pictures, I have to keep before my mind the reason I started this. I have come to peace with my body, really. I'm OK with who I am and with how I am, whether that is thin(ner) or fat(ter). The size is not the important thing to me any more..it's taken me nearly 60 years to reach that point and I think I really am there.

But what goes along with thin(ner) is healthier. And more than healthier, it's just a heck of a lot more fun to be thin(ner). The simple joy of bouncing up out of a chair. The fun of riding my bike. (When I think of the fun we had renting bikes in Venice Beach a couple of months ago and realize that a year ago, I'd have spent the day sitting on the balcony with a book.) The satisfaction of feeling good, feeling energetic. Of parking in a central parking lot and walking everywhere downtown so I can get a bit more exercise.

So I've had a glitch, but once again, I've taken my lumps. I let myself be weighed. I talked about it. I've now published it here. And today I'm counting my points.

I've also cleaned out the fridge. . (And in so doing, I discovered that we have the world's largest collection of jars of mustard!!) I've thrown away anything that is not good and then went shopping to fill it with things that are good.

What's better, I've purchased things that are very easy and quick to prepare for dinner, so on those nights when I work until 7, I don't rush home and grab the first thing that I find because I'm so hungry.