PLEASE, SIR, I
22 February 2003
This probably won't be of any interest to anybody but myself but since yesterday was a
"good" day and since I'm trying to get back into the swing of things with this
eating plan, and since Dr. G is out of town, so I have the opportunity to write things
like this, I thought I'd just record all the food thoughts I have today and what I'm
eating...and how planning ahead to stick with the program.
7 a.m. My first thoughts of food were before Cindy and I went out
riding. I decided to plan ahead, thinking of zero point treats to have during the day, so
I made a bowl of sugar-free Jello. Great food! Zero points. You can even add 2 tablespoons
of Cool Whip to a bowl of it and it's still zero points, but the problem with that is that
I can really get into Cool Whip--even fat-free Cool Whip (now is that ever a
non-food item!) and I start eating too much of it, so I passed on the Cool Whip when I was
at the grocery store yesterday.
I always have a big breakfast. I'm one of those people who can cope better with food
control through the day if I start out with a substantial breakfast. Through the winter,
my staple has been a big bowl of oatmeal topped with thawed frozen blueberries (and
sweetened with Splenda). But I'm out of oatmeal (except for the preackaged stuff, which
has too much sweeting in it), so I had some cold cereal for breakfast--Cheerios Berry
Burst, with dried strawberries in it. This is a new cereal for me. Yeah, it's kind of in
the junk cereal category, but it's for a change of pace. I'm out of Fiber One, which I
sometimes have mixed with a container of fat-free yogurt. I hadn't checked the points for
this cereal, and assumed it would be 3 points, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover
it only counts as 2 points. I generally have toast with peanut butter with my cereal (high
fiber bread--1 point for 2 pieces and 1 Tbsp of peanut butter for 2 points), but lately
peanut butter has become a trigger food, so I decided not to have the usual this morning.
Instead, I had a second bowl of cereal. I've now had an 8 point breakfast and am nicely
Points to here: 8
10 a.m. I've just had an apple (1 more point). I would love to be the
kind of person who can live on 3 meals a day...or 2, as some people do. But I seem to need
to plan a snack or two into both my morning and afternoon. Throughout the past year, I've
tried to eat my large breakfast around 7, then have a snack at 10, lunch at noon, snack at
4 (my danger time), and then dinner...if there are points left over, have yogurt or fruit
later in the evening, though I'm not generally a late night eater. Unless I'm having one
of my crazy food days when I could eat during all of my waking hours.
My stomach is weird. It can go from being very full to very empty seemingly in an
instant. After the second bowl of cereal had settled this morning, I realized I probably
didn't need it in the first place and that I felt very, very full. An hour later, I had
what felt like hunger pangs. Couldn't really be! Not possible. But I had the jello in the
fridge, so I had a bit of that. Zero points, and the hunger feeling went away.
I'm already trying to figure out what to do about lunch. I need to go to the office
before noon, so I think I'm going to boil and egg and take that plus some yogurt and a
2-point snack bar to get me through the afternoon. Probably take another apple with me for
the 4 p.m. crazies.
Points to here: 9
11:30 a.m. My reaction to food is so....bizarre. It's another
beautiful day, so I packed my lunch, and got on my bike and headed off. I took the long
way around so I could get in some more miles and an extra hill (I have to admit that hills
are getting easier).
When I got to the office, there were FOUR boxes waiting for me. The office has been
invited to participate in Clif Bar's Menopause Ambassador Program. This means that the
Clif people supply us with Luna bars to give to our patients to introduce them to Luna and
what a great product it is.
Well--we all know I've been sold on Luna ever since Haggie
gave me a taste.
These boxes are even better because they are MINI Luna bars. The problem with Luna bars
is that they are 4 points each. I like them better than Pria bars, but Prias are only 2,
so I generally buy them instead of Luna. But these are half size, so only 2 points.
We got two boxes of "nuts over chocolate," one box of "peanut butter and
jelly" and one box of "cherry covered chocolate" (or is it the other way
around). 100 mini bars in each box. Four. hundred. Luna. bars.
I decided I'd put the Weight Watcher bar aside and have one of the cherry Luna bars.
Which I did. But when I had one, it tasted so good I wanted more. Well, 4 points. OK. No
big deal. But then I needed to sample the nuts over chocolate and having done that I
didn't quite remember what the peanut butter and jelly tasted like, so I had that too.
I've just gobbled up 8 points in "tastes."
The thing is that when there is food around, it makes me very restless. It's what I
imagine a newly sober alcoholic must feel like at a cocktail party. All that *stuff* just
sitting there and nobody to watch you. I'm just fine with food when I'm busy. I eat on a
regular schedule, I don't get hungry, I don't need those mid-day treats, and I don't get
nervous having food around. But get me alone with something like FOUR HUNDRED Luna bars,
and my emotions take over the wonderful control that my head had.
If there is any consolation it is that Luna bars are good for you. And if I can move
them out of sight and forget they're here I haven't shot the day, point-wise, but I just
hate myself for feeling like this, for being powerless to control the urge to eat when I'm
alone with tasty food. (The urge never seems to come on me when my fridge is full of green
Points to here: 17
2 p.m. I just had a phone call that got me very upset. Someone
supposed to do something and is flaking out on me--yet again. Plus a difficult discussion
with an insurance representative who can't speak English (why do they put someone who
can't speak English in a position where their main function is to talk on the phone?).
When I hung up the phone, my stomach was saying "feed me!" It's an emotional
reaction, obviously. I had eaten my egg and yogurt for lunch (after the Luna bars), but
still had my apple, so I'm now munching the apple. I've put the Luna bars in a closet
where I can't see them...they may say "eat me" but it's in a softer voice now.
Points to here: 22
4 p.m. Nice bike ride home. First thing I wanted to do when I came in
the door was eat (see how pervasive this damn compulsion is?) Fortunately I'd planned
ahead and had that bowl of jello. It gave me something to chew, and filled my stomach.
Tonight I am reviewing a show and I thought that to make things easy, we'd just have pizza
for dinner--I have a WeightWatchers pizza and I bought a regular pizza for Walt. Perfect
easy dinner, with a salad. But thanks to all those Luna bars (I had one more before I left
the office), I want to make something with fewer points (WeightWatchers pizza is 8
points), so I have to be creative.
I'm always glad when I get to the point of actually COOKING in the kitchen because that
really signals the end of my compulsions. I might eat something after dinner, but the real
cravings are always mid-day, and 4 p.m. is the worst of the lot. I really wish I could get
into liking vegetables as a snack (I do love cherry tomatoes, but am out of them at the
moment--those are zero points). I've been trying for a year to develop a real love of
those mini carrots but it just ain't gonna happen.
Points to here: still 22
My top limit on points is 31 and you add extra points (if you want) for exercise. Since
I've put 15 miles on my bike so far today, I have a couple of extra points to play around
with, which kinds of takes the pressure off dinner, if I make something fairly low in
7 p.m. Nice WeightWatchers dinner of chicken marinated in a
cilantro/soy sauce marinade, baked with potatoes and served with salad. 4 points for the
chicken and potatoes, 1 point for the cranberries in the salad (I use fat free dressing
that is only 15 calories, so I don't count it as any points).
Now off to the theatre, and I won't eat when I get home.
Total points for the day: 27 (which is a huge relief, after all those Luna