PLEASE, SIR, I WANT SOME.....MORE....

22 February 2003

This probably won't be of any interest to anybody but myself but since yesterday was a "good" day and since I'm trying to get back into the swing of things with this eating plan, and since Dr. G is out of town, so I have the opportunity to write things like this, I thought I'd just record all the food thoughts I have today and what I'm eating...and how planning ahead to stick with the program.

7 a.m. My first thoughts of food were before Cindy and I went out riding. I decided to plan ahead, thinking of zero point treats to have during the day, so I made a bowl of sugar-free Jello. Great food! Zero points. You can even add 2 tablespoons of Cool Whip to a bowl of it and it's still zero points, but the problem with that is that I can really get into Cool Whip--even fat-free Cool Whip (now is that ever a non-food item!) and I start eating too much of it, so I passed on the Cool Whip when I was at the grocery store yesterday.

I always have a big breakfast. I'm one of those people who can cope better with food control through the day if I start out with a substantial breakfast. Through the winter, my staple has been a big bowl of oatmeal topped with thawed frozen blueberries (and sweetened with Splenda). But I'm out of oatmeal (except for the preackaged stuff, which has too much sweeting in it), so I had some cold cereal for breakfast--Cheerios Berry Burst, with dried strawberries in it. This is a new cereal for me. Yeah, it's kind of in the junk cereal category, but it's for a change of pace. I'm out of Fiber One, which I sometimes have mixed with a container of fat-free yogurt. I hadn't checked the points for this cereal, and assumed it would be 3 points, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover it only counts as 2 points. I generally have toast with peanut butter with my cereal (high fiber bread--1 point for 2 pieces and 1 Tbsp of peanut butter for 2 points), but lately peanut butter has become a trigger food, so I decided not to have the usual this morning. Instead, I had a second bowl of cereal. I've now had an 8 point breakfast and am nicely satisfied.

Points to here: 8

10 a.m. I've just had an apple (1 more point). I would love to be the kind of person who can live on 3 meals a day...or 2, as some people do. But I seem to need to plan a snack or two into both my morning and afternoon. Throughout the past year, I've tried to eat my large breakfast around 7, then have a snack at 10, lunch at noon, snack at 4 (my danger time), and then dinner...if there are points left over, have yogurt or fruit later in the evening, though I'm not generally a late night eater. Unless I'm having one of my crazy food days when I could eat during all of my waking hours.

My stomach is weird. It can go from being very full to very empty seemingly in an instant. After the second bowl of cereal had settled this morning, I realized I probably didn't need it in the first place and that I felt very, very full. An hour later, I had what felt like hunger pangs. Couldn't really be! Not possible. But I had the jello in the fridge, so I had a bit of that. Zero points, and the hunger feeling went away.

I'm already trying to figure out what to do about lunch. I need to go to the office before noon, so I think I'm going to boil and egg and take that plus some yogurt and a 2-point snack bar to get me through the afternoon. Probably take another apple with me for the 4 p.m. crazies.

Points to here: 9

11:30 a.m. My reaction to food is so....bizarre. It's another beautiful day, so I packed my lunch, and got on my bike and headed off. I took the long way around so I could get in some more miles and an extra hill (I have to admit that hills are getting easier).

When I got to the office, there were FOUR boxes waiting for me. The office has been invited to participate in Clif Bar's Menopause Ambassador Program. This means that the Clif people supply us with Luna bars to give to our patients to introduce them to Luna and what a great product it is.

Well--we all know I've been sold on Luna ever since Haggie gave me a taste.

These boxes are even better because they are MINI Luna bars. The problem with Luna bars is that they are 4 points each. I like them better than Pria bars, but Prias are only 2, so I generally buy them instead of Luna. But these are half size, so only 2 points. Perfect.

We got two boxes of "nuts over chocolate," one box of "peanut butter and jelly" and one box of "cherry covered chocolate" (or is it the other way around). 100 mini bars in each box. Four. hundred. Luna. bars.

I decided I'd put the Weight Watcher bar aside and have one of the cherry Luna bars. Which I did. But when I had one, it tasted so good I wanted more. Well, 4 points. OK. No big deal. But then I needed to sample the nuts over chocolate and having done that I didn't quite remember what the peanut butter and jelly tasted like, so I had that too. I've just gobbled up 8 points in "tastes."

The thing is that when there is food around, it makes me very restless. It's what I imagine a newly sober alcoholic must feel like at a cocktail party. All that *stuff* just sitting there and nobody to watch you. I'm just fine with food when I'm busy. I eat on a regular schedule, I don't get hungry, I don't need those mid-day treats, and I don't get nervous having food around. But get me alone with something like FOUR HUNDRED Luna bars, and my emotions take over the wonderful control that my head had.

If there is any consolation it is that Luna bars are good for you. And if I can move them out of sight and forget they're here I haven't shot the day, point-wise, but I just hate myself for feeling like this, for being powerless to control the urge to eat when I'm alone with tasty food. (The urge never seems to come on me when my fridge is full of green vegetables.)

Points to here: 17

2 p.m. I just had a phone call that got me very upset. Someone supposed to do something and is flaking out on me--yet again. Plus a difficult discussion with an insurance representative who can't speak English (why do they put someone who can't speak English in a position where their main function is to talk on the phone?).

When I hung up the phone, my stomach was saying "feed me!" It's an emotional reaction, obviously. I had eaten my egg and yogurt for lunch (after the Luna bars), but still had my apple, so I'm now munching the apple. I've put the Luna bars in a closet where I can't see them...they may say "eat me" but it's in a softer voice now.

Points to here: 22

4 p.m. Nice bike ride home. First thing I wanted to do when I came in the door was eat (see how pervasive this damn compulsion is?) Fortunately I'd planned ahead and had that bowl of jello. It gave me something to chew, and filled my stomach. Tonight I am reviewing a show and I thought that to make things easy, we'd just have pizza for dinner--I have a WeightWatchers pizza and I bought a regular pizza for Walt. Perfect easy dinner, with a salad. But thanks to all those Luna bars (I had one more before I left the office), I want to make something with fewer points (WeightWatchers pizza is 8 points), so I have to be creative.

I'm always glad when I get to the point of actually COOKING in the kitchen because that really signals the end of my compulsions. I might eat something after dinner, but the real cravings are always mid-day, and 4 p.m. is the worst of the lot. I really wish I could get into liking vegetables as a snack (I do love cherry tomatoes, but am out of them at the moment--those are zero points). I've been trying for a year to develop a real love of those mini carrots but it just ain't gonna happen.

Points to here: still 22

My top limit on points is 31 and you add extra points (if you want) for exercise. Since I've put 15 miles on my bike so far today, I have a couple of extra points to play around with, which kinds of takes the pressure off dinner, if I make something fairly low in points.

7 p.m. Nice WeightWatchers dinner of chicken marinated in a cilantro/soy sauce marinade, baked with potatoes and served with salad. 4 points for the chicken and potatoes, 1 point for the cranberries in the salad (I use fat free dressing that is only 15 calories, so I don't count it as any points).

Now off to the theatre, and I won't eat when I get home.