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SEE? SEE????!!!

5 February 2003

I knew that scale was off last week. I expected to gain last week, but I certainly never expected to gain EIGHT POUNDS. By the same token, I was pretty sure I'd lose this week, but definitely could not have predicted 7 lbs. The only explanation I have for both weigh-ins is that they were done on different scales.

But who cares? Maybe they were both right. Maybe I pigged myself up 8 lbs and starved myself down 7.8 of those lbs. At least I'm back where I was 3 weeks ago, and that's headed in the right direction.

I didn't stay for the meeting today. For one thing, I had to get to work early, but mostly it was a substitute leader and one I just don't click with. She was the first leader I encountered at my first meeting, and had I not decided to try out a different meeting, I might not have made it this far.

I'm sure she's a very nice person, but I remember at my first meeting when she passed around her "before" picture--a picture I could have been VERY happy to have had as my goal photo. I didn't think she could relate to me. And then she "ma'am's" me. Marn's reaction to "being ma'am'ed" pretty much explains my reaction to this gal. She makes me feel old and fat and that's just what I don't need for my self esteem.

In contrast, the leader I've stuck with has lost 100 lbs and struggles daily with food issues. This is a woman who understands me.

My friend, celebrating 5 years of sobriety next month, wrote to me, on hearing of my recent slip:

To be meaningful, one must experience a "life-style change." Dieting implies only a temporary state of being. Only people who embrace the concept of a life-style change can ever truly get a handle on their addiction.

I should talk to you more about slippees in AA, because we do have 'em. The amazing thing is not that people slip, but that they have the guts to come back. That, to me, is astonishing. It begins with the disease convincing them that they have a handle on things. That, perhaps, they were just going through a phase, that it'll be "different" this time. Alas, of course, it never is (a phase or different). From the moment they pick up, it's as though they'd never stopped drinking. That's why we say the disease is progressive. If 20 years go by and then we pick up, from the very first drink it will be as though we'd been drinking for the entire 20 years -- and we'll be right back in the crapper in no time.

Anyway, it doesn't matter that you slipped. What matters is that "you're back" and that you know what you have to do.

Yes, I'm learning something. Some people--like, I suspect, the substitute leader we had today, gain weight, diet, and then keep it off. Problem solved.

But there are those of us who truly are addicted to those destructive eating behaviors. For us, there is no "day off." A day off...a meal off... and you're right back in that mindset again where one is too much and 100 isn't enough. Once you slip, then it's another day...two...week...weeks before you can get back on track, if ever.

So the only way this thing is going to succeed is for me to keep with the program, keep going to the meetings, keep paying $10 a week to be weighed.

But if the scales keep going down, it will be worth it.

That said, today was not a stellar day food-wise. I'd had so little yesterday (something like 900 calories total, I think), but today is David's birthday and tradition is to have macaroni and cheese, so even though I'm here by myself, I went out and bought Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and ate the whole thing (about a bazillion calories, if you're counting). Then I went to dinner with Dr. G, his former office manager (in his old office), her husband and their daughter. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and even though I brought home half of my dinner, I still suspect I am over on my points for the day--but I have lots left over from yesterday, so let's hope that makes up for it.

And for anyone who really wants the nitty gritty of this diet at all times, I set up a public journal on Fit-Day (just 'cause I love busy work so much)

Quote of the Day

We want peace of mind. The trouble with us alcoholics was this: We demanded that the world give us happiness and peace of mind in just the particular way we wanted to get it -- by the alcohol route. And we weren't successful. But when we take time to find out some of the spiritual laws, and familiarize ourselves with them, and put them into practice, then we get happiness and peace of mind...always here, open and free to anyone. And that is the message we can give to our fellow alcoholics.

~ The Cofounders of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A. Pamphlet P-53) - page 19-20

Today's Photo

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I dunno...I just liked it!

One Year Ago
Mental Pictures
My favorite memory of those days takes me back to the edge of that lawn, looking down the slight incline at this tiny figure with outstretched arms toddling in my direction at top speed. David, with a huge grin on his face, coming up to me and throwing his arms around me in a big bear hug.

Two Years Ago
Cracker Jack
I guess we'll always believe in fantasy. Once in a while the prize in the package lives up to its promise. It’s like the intermittent reward that one gets when playing the slot machine. So much goes down the drain in unfulfilled promises, but every now and then you hit the jackpot.


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Pounds Lost:  75
(this figure is updated on Tuesdays)

On the Odometer

URL Total 741.6
Blue Angel Total 594.3
2003 YTD Cumulative:  112.5

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