5 February 2003
I knew that scale was off last week. I expected to gain last week, but I
certainly never expected to gain EIGHT POUNDS. By the same token, I was pretty sure I'd
lose this week, but definitely could not have predicted 7½ lbs. The only explanation I
have for both weigh-ins is that they were done on different scales.
But who cares? Maybe they were both right. Maybe I pigged myself up 8 lbs and starved
myself down 7.8 of those lbs. At least I'm back where I was 3 weeks ago, and that's headed
in the right direction.
I didn't stay for the meeting today. For one thing, I had to get to work early, but
mostly it was a substitute leader and one I just don't click with. She was the first
leader I encountered at my first meeting, and had I not decided to try out a different
meeting, I might not have made it this far.
I'm sure she's a very nice person, but I remember at my first meeting when she passed
around her "before" picture--a picture I could have been VERY happy to have had
as my goal photo. I didn't think she could relate to me. And then she "ma'am's"
me. Marn's reaction to
"being ma'am'ed" pretty much explains my reaction to this gal. She makes me feel
old and fat and that's just what I don't need for my self esteem.
In contrast, the leader I've stuck with has lost 100 lbs and struggles daily with food
issues. This is a woman who understands me.
My friend, celebrating 5 years of sobriety next month, wrote to me, on hearing of my
To be meaningful, one must experience a "life-style change." Dieting
implies only a temporary state of being. Only people who embrace the concept of a
life-style change can ever truly get a handle on their addiction.
I should talk to you more about slippees in AA, because we do have 'em. The amazing
thing is not that people slip, but that they have the guts to come back. That, to me, is
astonishing. It begins with the disease convincing them that they have a handle on things.
That, perhaps, they were just going through a phase, that it'll be "different"
this time. Alas, of course, it never is (a phase or different). From the moment they pick
up, it's as though they'd never stopped drinking. That's why we say the disease is
progressive. If 20 years go by and then we pick up, from the very first drink it will be
as though we'd been drinking for the entire 20 years -- and we'll be right back in the
crapper in no time.
Anyway, it doesn't matter that you slipped. What matters is that "you're
back" and that you know what you have to do.
Yes, I'm learning something. Some people--like, I suspect, the substitute leader we had
today, gain weight, diet, and then keep it off. Problem solved.
But there are those of us who truly are addicted to those destructive eating behaviors.
For us, there is no "day off." A day off...a meal off... and you're right back
in that mindset again where one is too much and 100 isn't enough. Once you slip, then it's
another day...two...week...weeks before you can get back on track, if ever.
So the only way this thing is going to succeed is for me to keep with the program, keep
going to the meetings, keep paying $10 a week to be weighed.
But if the scales keep going down, it will be worth it.
That said, today was not a stellar day food-wise. I'd had so little yesterday
(something like 900 calories total, I think), but today is David's birthday and tradition
is to have macaroni and cheese, so even though I'm here by myself, I went out and bought
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and ate the whole thing (about a bazillion calories, if you're
counting). Then I went to dinner with Dr. G, his former office manager (in his old
office), her husband and their daughter. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and
even though I brought home half of my dinner, I still suspect I am over on my points for
the day--but I have lots left over from yesterday, so let's hope that makes up for it.
And for anyone who really wants the nitty gritty of this diet at all times, I set up a public journal
on Fit-Day (just 'cause I love busy work so much)