December 09, 2003

TODAY's QUOTE

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and I just keep forgetting to purge

-Paula Poundstone

TODAY's READING

"The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution" by Dr. Phil McGraw.

I borrowed this from my mother when I was there for Thanksgiving. Giving how today's weigh-in went, I decided I needed to take some time out and read a bit of it.

TODAY's NETFLICK

"L.A. Confidential"

Good movie. I'm not necessarily a big action movie fan, but I really liked this. I've also said that I'm not a big Russell Crowe fan, but he sure was good in this.

I'm now out of Netflicks, but the next 3 to arrive should take me through the end of The Sopranos first season (speaking of "shoot-'em-up" films!!)

TODAY's FOOD

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean Cereal

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Mandarin Chicken
(how lovely that they have added more chicken and reduced the point value from 6 to 5!)
Weight Watchers 2-point bar

Dinner: Lean Cuisine Almond Chicken
(Walt is having leftovers from last night and I'm "doing penance" by just eating another Lean Cuisine!)
Salad
Apple

TODAY's EXERCISE

Exercise bike
20 minutes while watching the movie.

Prescribed shoulder exercises.
Trying to figure out if I religiously do these exercises I can reduce the pain in my shoulder, which has become a real...uh...pain in the neck! (Actually it's more like a pain in the butt!)

TODAY's WEATHER

Bloody cold for California (yeah--I know there are folks in Boston digging their trucks out from under mountains of snow). I don't know what the temp is, but I'm wearing sweat pants, a sweatshirt over my t-shirt, and I still had to turn up the heater to 70°.

DETOURS AND FEARS

9 December 2003

It always amazes me that every time I go to Weight Watchers, I hear exactly what I need to hear.

Today, though the topic was about alteranative ways of working the program (how people mold the program work to make it for them), what resonated the most with me was talking about "detours." About how some people lose all the weight in a short period of time, and some take a longer time. The theory being that we are all headed for the same destination, and some people go by different routes.

(Kinda reminds me of driving around Australia, not knowing where we were so much of the time, but always ending up where we intended to be at the end of the day!)

I’ve taken a big detour the past couple of weeks.

Despite my careful plans for how to cope with Thanksgiving, things fell apart. I just don’t do social situations well. It used to be that I handled being in a party atmosphere by drinking--not that I had a "drinking problem," but I always felt more comfortable with an alcoholic drink in my hand. It lowered my inhibitions. Now that I rarely drink, I eat. It doesn’t make any difference that the people at the party are all my family who have known me all of my (or their) lives, and it’s not like I’m there to impress anybody. There is something about being in a social situation which just gives my hand a life of its own, with my mouth being a more than willing collaborator.

This is where I went wrong last year. It started with a "the hell with it, it’s Thanksgiving, let’s have some wine" attitude and ended up, week by week, finding myself inching up the scale again. I never got back in the groove totally, and I found the whole cycle starting again two weeks ago as well.

I didn’t go to Weight Watchers last week. I was on a rush deadline for the psychiatrist and thought I’d just go weigh in at the afternoon meeting. But at the afternoon meeting time, I was working at Suicide Prevention, so I missed it entirely. In truth, if I’d made the effort, I could have gone, but I knew that it had been a bad week, and I wasn’t disappointed that I had other things to do and could excuse my not going to a meeting. I would do better the following week.

But I didn’t. Beset with guilt from the week before (as I so often am), I stopped keeping a journal entirely this week and threw caution to the wind. The hell with it.

The inevitable happened. Two-plus weeks of "the hell with it" and I gained 7 lbs. This isn’t "self esteem Saturday" so I can say "I hate myself for doing that."

But the positive thing is that it would have been so easy to let this thing escalate, to give up entirely, but I dragged myself to the damn meeting and I stepped on the damn scale and I know how bad it is. And I heard just what I needed to hear and I’m determined to follow the program this week.

Actually, in keeping with a better plan, I’m determined to follow the program just for today. And if today goes well, I’ll follow it again tomorrow and if that goes well.... etc.

I have to get out of this house. Me sitting home with transcription I hate doing (if I’m honest with myself) and a house full of food (even if it’s "legal" food) is not a good situation. Too many breaks. To many "snacks," even "good" snacks.

In the pre-accident days I would hop on the bike and go for a ride, but I have another confession to make. Since my accident, I’m afraid to get on the bike. I’ve gotten on the bike, but I’m afraid of it. (It doesn't help ease my fears that Haggie, who started riding bikes when I did, recently had a terrible accident that landed her in the hospital, her second bad accident in a year.)

(I’m even nervous getting on the exercise bike. It’s not that I’m afraid I’ll fall off the bike, but it hurts the shoulder to push myself up on it, and I hate doing it....I do do it, and once I’m up on the bike, it’s OK, but I resist getting up on the bike.)

I remember how much I used to love getting up early in the morning to go riding out into the country, just me and my camera. But, first, it hurts to hold on with both hands, and when I hold on with one hand, I’m nervous that I will lose my balance and fall. I ride down the street looking at the road beneath my wheels to avoid potholes. I hate being like this and I don’t know how to get past it. It just takes time and persistence, I guess.

That’s where I am right now. I’ve started eating again and I’ve cut way back on exercising because I’m afraid of it. I need to work on both of these things. I hate being afraid of my bike. I’ve loved that bike and riding so much, but I think about getting on it and doing the tour of the bike paths, as I used to do, and I find all sorts of excuses not to do it. I’m sure that as my shoulder improves (if it ever does), I’ll get past that, but right now it’s really a struggle.

So that’s my report for today–not a good one. Today I’m picking up my Weight Watchers journal again and recording whatever I eat. I also have a kind of exciting new project, designed to get me moving again, but it won’t happen (if at all) until January, so I’m going to hold off talking about it–but hold the good thought. It will make great journal fodder if it actually comes through.

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

1981.jpg (76311 bytes)

1981
The kids made a gingerbread house with Ndangi (from Zaire)
and Chieko (from Japan), who spent 3 Christmases in a row with us.
(Ndangi kept coming back, eventually with his new wife and ultimately
with his wife and twin daughters; his cousin Victor also lived with
us for several months, while he learned English)

For more photos, please visit My Fotolog and My FoodLog