PLAYING DOCTOR

3 April 2003

Were in the back room and I was partially undressed when she came in and caught us. He looked up, momentarily confused. "oh. It's that time isn't it?" he said. We had been at it for an hour or so and had just lost track of the time.

He explained to the patient that we were trying to figure out the new bone density machine, as I rushed to get my sock back on my foot.

Yes, D-Day is finally here. Density Day. The day to take the bull by the... uh... foot and find out if I am able to do this thing.

This morning I had a lovely conversation with the gentleman at some licensing branch of the Department of Health. I really hoped against hope that T did, after all, have a license and that there was some excuse for all the problems we'd had with her. But no. Alas. She does not have a license. The guy even checked for me on the list of brand new people waiting for licenses to be issued, but she's not there either. I finally had to face it: we'd been had.

It's not so bad (well, yes it is, but this isn't the worst part) that she took 2 weeks worth of salary. She did, in that time, do a little bit of work--not enough to earn the salary, but a little bit. But the terrible thing was that we had brought this guy in from Florida to train her. Now he's gone, she's gone, and the money for the training will never be recovered. So we're filing a complaint against her and I feel very bad about that. Despite it all, I still like her. But I could tell that she knew the jig was up when I called to ask her to return her office key and she didn't even ask if she'd be paid for the last two weeks of work she supposedly did, or to be reimbursed for the chair she said she'd purchased (which she obviously did not).

So that leaves us up a creek without a rad tech--and about 30 people signed up to get their free heel density scans on Saturday.

"You're going to have to do them," he told me. "I have a tennis match scheduled."

Swell.

I could have said no, I suppose, and made him cancel his tennis game, but we really don't have anything planned for the weekend, other than a housewarming on Saturday night. I have the time available--and it's supposed to rain this weekend anyway, so probably not good biking weather anyway. Might as well earn some extra money.

We did the exam on the patient and then went back to where we were. I removed my sock again and sat down in the chair while we both peered at the instruction book for the machine. T was the only one who had really studied it. And of course T is not here. Sigh.

It's actually not that difficult. The hard part is figuring out where to put all the stuff we need. He took my foot in his hand, slathered ultrasound gel on it and did the measurement. Took just seconds and I passed with flying colors. There is one advantage of being fat. One thing that helps prevent osteoporosis is "weight bearing exercise" and I've been "weight bearing" most of my life! I have good, strong, sturdy bones.

So far so good.

"Now you do me," he said. (such an offer...)

We changed seats. Now it was me in the driver's seat, so to speak, and he was taking off his shoe. I never had time to think about how I felt about handling a foot without gloves. Suddenly he was thrusting his foot in my direction and telling me to start lathering it with gel (sounds kinda kinky). It all happened so fast, I didn't really have time to think of anything and suddenly I was doing it. I had his foot in my hand and I was smearing it with goo and pushing it into position on the machine.

It wasn't bad.

I didn't mind.

So maybe this will be OK after all.

Of course on Saturday we have about 30 people who are going to be parading in there expecting to find a competent person to do a bone density exam on them, and they are going to be getting me, and I'm going to bungle my way through it and hope I know what I'm doing while he's out chasing a ball around the tennis court. (I hope it does rain!)

Yesterday I had to help a 90 year old woman learn how to remove and re–insert a pessary, and wash it off in between times. That was a lot more yucky, but made easier because she was such a sweet woman and she needed help. Maybe my ability to spread goo on Dr. G's foot today was easier because I'd survived the pessary incident.

I may leave this job and decide to become the world's oldest novice medical assistant.