SHROVE MONDAY

1 April 2003

It's been a year ... more than a year ... since I've eaten pancakes. Pancakes. Another of my trigger foods, trouble foods, favorite foods. Tall stacks of pancakes soaked with as much butter as I could get away with, drenched with maple syrup. It acted as a laxative for me at time when I needed it. I would make a big batch and eat the whole thing myself. I could go through a cube of butter on pancakes alone.

I've been jonesing for pancakes. One of those nagging little cravings that has been growing, able to be suppressed when the endorphins are flowing, harder to suppress when I'm vegging out in front of the TV.

The hell with it, I decided today. I was going to have pancakes again.

Bisquick pancakes. Thick and fluffy. Can't have 'em without butter. The hell with it. I wanted butter. And I knew that somewhere in the fridge was that little bottle of real Vermont maple syrup that Cathy sent me a couple of years ago.

I sat down with the steaming stack in front of me, butter running out the sides, syrup dripping off the top, making little amber colored pools on the blue plate.

I took a forkful. Mmmmmm....ambrosia. I ate them like I'd been on a fast for the past year. The problem was that it wasn't enough. I wanted more. Oh what the hell--I'd blown the day anyway, might as well do it up well and get my fill, so I made another stack, loaded it up with butter and syrup and ate until I was stuffed.

Then the guilt set in. What had I done? I'd been so good for so long. Why had I totally gone berserk? I began to beat myself up about it. I began to feel like a failure. After all this time, I'd given in to the pancake temptation. I'd blown it but good.

I was feeling so bad that when I went downtown at lunchtime to make a deposit at the bank I decided to really compound the felony--I pulled into Jack-in-the-Box for a cheese burger and some onion rings. More grease. Part of me was lovin' it; part of me was hating myself for being totally out of control.

Dr. G sent me over to the supermarket to pick up a sandwich for him when I got back. There were the killer brownies. No. I just couldn't let myself do that--too many and you can't buy just one. But I did sneak in a pastry to eat surreptitiously at my desk when I got back.

What had I done to the day? It was junk-junk-junk all day long, with part of me reveling in it and part of me in total disgust at seeing how quickly all my old habits returned just because I'd let myself slip for breakfast.

(Did anybody happen to notice the date of this entry? No. I didn't eat pancakes. No, I didn't go to Jack-in-the-Box. No, I didn't buy any pastry. Yes, I did eat my oatmeal. I did go biking, I did go to Curves, I did get my fill of greens for the day....but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have a little fun on April Fool's Day, now, could I???) Here's the REAL entry....

OUTSTANDING IN MY FIELD

No one can tell me that I didn't get enough exercise today.

It was Monday, so the day started with the 8 mile ride with Cindy. Our second-fastest time ever: an average speed of 12.8 mph. (The fastest we ever did it was 12.9. We must have had a tail wind that day.)

We rolled up back to the house 37.3 minutes after starting and I just sat there and panted for awhile. I definitely felt worked out.

But I had also received a call from a friend whom I hadn't seen in about 10 years. Nancy is also on this weight loss program and she has been e-mailing with Joan and myself. I offered to go bike riding with her, if she ever wanted to do that. Today she was ready and so I had a quick shower to wash off the 6 a.m. sweat and met Nancy at 9, ready to do it all over again.

We took it a bit slower this time, but we put in a good 5 miles, doing the perimeter of the greenbelt. Spring is here and the flowers are starting to blossom and it is just beautiful. I wanted to take pictures, but this was Nancy's workout, so we just kept a slow and steady pace until we got back to the house, 5 miles and about 30 minutes later.

But I really DID want to take pictures, so I went back by myself and did the whole circuit again, this time stopping to take some pictures along the way.

The ride was actually the first leg of my trip to the office. The car went in for servicing today (maybe we'll finally get a working CD player again!) and so I had already planned to ride my bike to the office. The horrible overpass is becoming a molehill these days-a large molehill, to be sure, but still nothing to be dreaded any more. Don't even have to use the granny gear any more.

I got to the office, picked up voice mail messages, then locked everything up and walked down to Curves, where I did a 30 minute workout. It was a different experience this morning, since all of the machines were full, so you really got the feel of working out with a group. I was also pleased to notice that at least half of the women there were really struggling to get through the routine that I was enjoying so much. I guess I really have come a long way.

When Curves was over, I did my stretching exercise and then went back to the office. I wasn't quite as high was I was on Friday, but I think it was just exhaustion--I'd ridden 16 miles before I did my workout, and I was plum tuckered out!

I also have a slightly sore back. I felt it when I got off the bike after my ride with Cindy. I had pushed pretty hard and I guess tensed all those muscles because whenever I moved in the right/wrong direction, I'd get a twinge. Not a bad twinge--not enough to keep me from doing two more bike rides and a 30 minute workout--but definitely a twinge. I'm still "aware" of my back, but it's almost a comforting feeling. I have an exercise-induced condition! Whoda thunk.

At the end of the day, I hopped back on the bike for the 2+ mile ride home again. By the end of the day, I'd ridden nearly 20 miles and did my routine at Curves and I'm feeling good. The one thing I discovered about exercise is that not only does it give you something to take your mind off of food, but when you DO eat, somehow it's just more natural to eat good stuff. There's something not quite right about sweating for 30 minutes and then eating a Snickers bar, for example. I was drawn to lettuce and tomatoes for lunch, with a yogurt chaser. The killer brownies didn't even call to me.