MY GENEROUS FRIENDS

30 March 2002

When I tentatively stuck my fingers on a keyboard and accessed the Internet for the first time, I had no idea where this journey would lead me. I had no idea how many friends I would make, how many adventures I would have, and how the Internet would change my life.

Mostly, I had no idea that total strangers could be so generous.

Take my friend Ida, for example. Ida has written me eleven times in the last month, offering to help me get out of debt. She promises me I can consolidate all my debts and avoid bankruptcy. I'm not sure where Ida got the idea I'm in debt, but I'm ever so grateful to her for continuing to try to help me become financially solvent. I was tempted until I also heard from my friend Lucy offering the same thing, and I was torn between them.

I can either take them up on their offer, or I can answer Kathie, who promises to double my money in only 30 days, which will solve any financial problems right there.

Estrella wants to give me a free cell phone. So does Michael. I don't want to disappoint either of them and since they are offering me different brands of cell phones, I think I'll pass on this one. Still, I was tempted until heard from Valerie telling me how cell phones emit electromagnetic rays which will cause me to have brain cancer, unless I buy her product ($9.95) which blocks those rays.

Kathleen is very intent on helping me have a good vacation. She's offered me trips to all sorts of exotic places five different times.

Kay is more interested in my health and would like to help me discover how herbs and botanicals can change my life. Now I was a bit intrigued by Kay. She has something called "Sweet Vjestika" which promises to "Prolong and intensify foreplay, increase and intensify orgasm, and increased lust!" She is also offering me "Cockle Doodle Doo Cream" (use your imagination), "Seventh Heaven Prosaka," and "Seventh Heaven Gentle Ferocity."

Kristin wants to sell me one of those berets that they wore in the Olympics, and help me lose weight (I'm not sure how the two are connected, but Kristin assures me that they are).

Lots of people want to help me lose weight. The word must have gotten out. (Obviously the folks at Frederick's of Hollywood haven't gotten together with them, because Frederick's is still offering me skimpy lingerie. Heck, the largest size at Frederick's would be "skimpy" on me!)

Lori Anderson has selected me four different times for a grand prize. I keep forgetting to pick it up.

Jason wants to help me buy the best auto insurance, which will help if I take Tom up on his offer to get me an easy car loan so I can get a new car, whether I have good credit or bad credit (maybe he's been talking to Ida).

Someone who hasn't given me a name, but goes by the handle "handbags" is very versatile. Handbags is into frequent flyer miles, owning a home business, improving my credit (Sorry, handbags, but Ida got there first), reducing my monthly payments, helping my child with school work, giving me a free digital camera plus lots of cash prizes, cooking products, and best of all--earning thousands of dollars by doing nothing. Hey! Now you're talking!

Even Jane Goodall has contacted me once she heard I was on the Internet.

And of course I'm still hearing from all of my friends in Africa wanting to give me millions of dollars. They are from different countries, represent different royalty, work for different high government officials but they are so intent on including me in on the wealth that at least three or four times or more a week I get offered another chance to become rich beyond my wildest dreams simply for sharing my bank account information.

I suppose I'm silly for not accepting all of the great deals that my friends want to give me, but I guess, like realizing that there is no quick fix for weight loss, I have realized that for all these riches to come my way, I have to work harder than just have someone drop it in my lap.