GOT AN ITCH? Scratch
1 March 2002
My back itched.
My back always itches.
There is a spot somewhere to the left of my right shoulder blade that always itches.
I reached behind me and I scratched it.
What's amazing about having an itch and scratching it? Two months ago, I couldn't
It's amazing the things that are affected when you are fat. I wrote about this at length in June of
2000, before I started this program the last time. At that time, I was going on a diet.
Now I'm not dieting. I'm changing my life. I hope that it's different.
But all the same things about fat that I talked about then still apply, only I'm not
going to dwell on them here. It's good enough to go back and read them again, imprinting
in my mind what it was like.
Instead I'm going to take One Phat
Man to heart:
Your mind takes you to whatever you focus on. If you spend your days focusing on how
fat you are, or how out of shape you are, you'll remain that person. If you focus on how
you "slip" all the time, or how you're "out of control", you'll remain
in that state....
The goal isn't to focus on how "perfect" you've been, or to obsess over
some number on a scale, but to live consistently as the person you want to be. If you make
a mistake - and you are human - get over it. Don't get paralyzed by fear and give up.
I'm going to think about the good things about having lost 25 lbs. There's that itch,
for example. I don't need to worry if my back scratcher gets lost, or broken, or if it's
too embarrassing to back up to the corner of a wall, and scratch, like a bear against a
tree trunk. I can reach around myself and scratch all by myself.
I put on my shoes this morning before going to the club. It was a simple act. Lift the
leg and put on sox, one at a time, then put feet into the shoes, bend over and tie the
shoes. Only I couldn't do that two months ago. I never let anybody see me put on my shoes
because of the contortions I had to go through to get them on.
(I also just realized that my feet/ankles haven't been swollen since I started this
program either--another perk!)
I put on my bra and hooked it. Not only have I hooked it, now, in the last hooks,
instead of the first ones, but I just reached around myself and hooked it. No more
contortions trying to reach or getting all frustrated because I couldn't quite reach. I
reach quite nicely, thank you very much. And in another couple of months I'll be out
buying new bras. A smaller size.
I've started trying on old clothes. They are a good indicator if I start thinking I've
lost lots. I have, but not enough. Some of them fit (a shirt I bought for Christmas two
years ago has never fit, and now it does--of course spring is coming and it's too warm to
wear, but when Christmas comes next year, I will wear it--if I haven't gotten too small
for it, that is!)
When I walk down the street, I feel thinner. I realize that I am larger than I was when
I began to feel like a lumbering elephant, but that doesn't matter. I feel thin and
I'm going to keep feeling thin until I am actually a normal size again.
I am not looking forward to the day when I have finally achieved my goal weight and can
go back to "eating normally" again. For me, "eating normally" means
overeating, and I'm not going to do that. I'm going to make what I'm doing now
"normal eating." It has become normal eating for me, but it still hasn't
penetrated my very core, so this still feels like a new program. But it's a program that
I'm very, very comfortable with. I'm redefining "treats" and I'm finding new
ways to reward myself or comfort myself.
Above all, I'm keeping track of everything I eat and writing it down. If I have a
craving for something, I check the points then decide if I can eat that thing and still
stay within the point limit for the day. If I can, I go ahead and eat it without guilt.
Writing it all down helps me make better choices, and also allows me treats
as long as they are within the range.
I'm sure there will come a day when I stray outside of the limits of this program, but
as the Phat Man says,
Pick yourself up, dust off your ass, and renew your focus. It's really that easy.
Don't get caught up in the "what if" questions, because they serve no purpose
beyond breeding fear.
I don't ever again want to experience all the things I talked about two
years ago. I'm still going through a lot of them, but I am gradually working to move
away from that list and redefine myself, and learn to live with--and like--the new person
I am working to become.