THERE'S ONLY ENOUGH CHEESE DOODLES FOR THE THREE OF US*

*(quote from The Last Session)

3 July 2002

If it's Tuesday, it must be weigh-in day, and it was another good weigh-in. I knew all that walking and not eating over the weekend had to be good for something. I lost another 2.8 lbs, making the total, now, 65.8 (another gold star earned, if I were keeping them, which I'm not).

I've recovered from the weekend, and rode my bike up to the club again this morning. I have to admit that I felt kinda good to hop on the bike and start pedaling again. I still can't get over the feeling of a muscle actually responding. It seems that each time I do one of these off-beat things--a 30 miles ride, a forced march over San Francisco, whatever--when I get up the next day, my body feels stronger.

I know that this is stuff that probably most people have known forever, but I'm learning it for the first time. I remember way back to when I was a kid and stopped running because I was teased that I ran funny, and my grandmother told me that running was bad for my heart and scolded me whenever she saw me running (how wrong she was!)

So I never equated anything physical with fun. Consequently, I never learned about the response of limbs when they actually get used. I never saw what a role "movement" plays in all sorts of things--weight loss, mental health, skin tone...everything.

On Thursday we are driving down to Santa Barbara for Tom's yearly birthday barbecue. This year we're packing bikes, and I'm hoping Tom will be able to scrounge a bike for Jeri. He promises me there are lots of good bike trails in/around Santa Barbara. I've been thinking about this for a long time now--this is the very first athletic thing I've ever done with the kids.

But getting back to the WeightWatchers meeting, the topic for today was attitude and what happens during attitude shifts, etc. It is a timely topic for me, since I've lost enough weight that I'm feeling comfortable with myself. I'm wearing smaller sizes than I have in 20 years. I don't have any intention of living any other way, but the fresh blush of enthusiasm for starting a new program is gone, and this is a danger point for me. It's so easy to fall off, one bite at a time.

Over the weekend, I bought "munchies" to take with us to San Francisco, to have in the hotel room with our "P-FAGS" (drinks that the Sacramento PFLAG group created and I named the first year I joined them for the Pride weekend). I bought crackers, cheese curls, and some other sort of cracker, and I brought my points counter with me so I could check on the points before actually having any, so I could decide if I really wanted to use up that many points or not.

Well, what with my going to the dyke march, half of the group not showing up, and having a baby along, the hotel room party never happened. Not a single P-FAG was drunk, and all the munchies came home with me in my suitcase.

One of the problems of a compulsive overeater is that food (like booze for an alcoholic) calls to you. If it's there, you know it. And it gradually becomes all you can think of. Until you finally say "the hell with it!" and dive in.

My "the hell with it" moment came over the damn cheese curls (somehow the crackers have never called to me). Finally last night, I took the package and checked the point value. OK. 4 points for an ounce. That would do. Only as it turned out, it wouldn't do. I had two ounces instead of one, which is more points than I have for a normal dinner, so I just didn't eat any other dinner.

Point-wise that made the day fine--and I even came in under my point range. But the door was opened. I knew it was going to be a problem, so gave Walt a big bag of cheese curls in his lunch. But that didn't empty the can and as I came home from work, there it was, calling to me.

One more ounce. OK? What could it hurt?

There were only two ounces left in the can.

The can is empty now.

For lunch, I had steamed broccoli (zero points).

Problem is that the taste buds have been stimulated, so it's that big adjustment process all over again. Oh the adjustment is shorter now, but it's never exactly "easy," which gives me enough of a wake-up call to know that I will have to work at this program for the rest of my life.