THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

30 January 2002

People are never happy with what they have. Plastic surgeons are experiencing a wave of popularity like never before.

Breast implants are so commonplace that about 1/3 of the women who come into our office have them.

Watch any aging movie star on television these days and you'll wonder where that famous face went under so many nips and tucks and lifts.

Joan Rivers alone must be keeping the plastic surgery business afloat.

(We won't even discuss Michael and Latoya.)

But there is a relatively new procedure that is crueler than a serpants tooth.  Buttocks implants.

Blame it on the curvaceous rear view provided by Jennifer Lopez, or perhaps on the rise of the thong or the fall of the fashion waistline. Whatever the reason, it's the day of the derrière.

You know--you live long enough and sooner or later it's finally your turn.

Buttocks implants, a procedure in which a soft but solid silicone implant is placed in the upper half of the buttocks, are science's solution. Though the procedure is still relatively rare, it's a new option for women who want a bigger, fuller, more rounded rear end.

Oh how cruel! Here I am working my butt off to...well...work my butt off and there are suffering women out there longing for a bigger, fuller, more rounded rear end.

And they're paying thousands of dollars to do it.

With a pricetag of around $10,000 and a fair amount of criticism, buttocks implants have not quite made it mainstream. Yet some plastic surgeons say the new "paradigm of beauty" of the "projecting" buttocks is stirring up a trend.

Where can I go to be a buttocks donor?

Seriously. There must women all over the country longing to have projecting buttocks and I have more projecting than I need. Surely there's some sort of a trade-off that can be made here!

Heck, I'll even do it for free. None of that "sell a kidney to pay off your debts" stuff. I'll gladly give some underprivileged, deserving skinny woman as much of my buttocks as she wants.

She can even have the whole thing. After 59 years of projecting buttocks, I wouldn't mind being one of those flat-bottomed cuties for awhile.

I could probably supply two or three women.

I look around me at Weight Watchers meetings and I can easily pick out a whole bunch of women I'll bet would gladly be donors as well.

I think we may have something going here.

However, they'd better be quick. My round, full buttocks are growing smaller by the week. I lost another 4.6 lbs at my weigh-in this morning. I also did 45 minutes (nonstop, I'll have you know) at the club and then walked to the WW meeting afterwards.