THE GRASS IS ALWAYS
30 January 2002
People are never happy with what they have. Plastic surgeons are experiencing a wave of
popularity like never before.
Breast implants are so commonplace that about 1/3 of the women who come into our office
Watch any aging movie star on television these days and you'll wonder where that famous
face went under so many nips and tucks and lifts.
Joan Rivers alone must be keeping the plastic surgery business afloat.
(We won't even discuss Michael and Latoya.)
But there is a relatively new procedure that is crueler than a serpants tooth. Buttocks
Blame it on the curvaceous rear view provided by Jennifer Lopez, or perhaps on the
rise of the thong or the fall of the fashion waistline. Whatever the reason, it's the day
of the derrière.
You know--you live long enough and sooner or later it's finally your turn.
Buttocks implants, a procedure in which a soft but solid silicone implant is placed
in the upper half of the buttocks, are science's solution. Though the procedure is still
relatively rare, it's a new option for women who want a bigger, fuller, more rounded rear
Oh how cruel! Here I am working my butt off to...well...work my butt off and there are
suffering women out there longing for a bigger, fuller, more rounded rear end.
And they're paying thousands of dollars to do it.
With a pricetag of around $10,000 and a fair amount of criticism, buttocks implants
have not quite made it mainstream. Yet some plastic surgeons say the new "paradigm of
beauty" of the "projecting" buttocks is stirring up a trend.
Where can I go to be a buttocks donor?
Seriously. There must women all over the country longing to have projecting buttocks
and I have more projecting than I need. Surely there's some sort of a trade-off that can
be made here!
Heck, I'll even do it for free. None of that "sell a kidney to pay off your
debts" stuff. I'll gladly give some underprivileged, deserving skinny woman as much
of my buttocks as she wants.
She can even have the whole thing. After 59 years of projecting buttocks, I wouldn't
mind being one of those flat-bottomed cuties for awhile.
I could probably supply two or three women.
I look around me at Weight Watchers meetings and I can easily pick out a whole bunch of
women I'll bet would gladly be donors as well.
I think we may have something going here.
However, they'd better be quick. My round, full buttocks are growing smaller by the
week. I lost another 4.6 lbs at my weigh-in this morning. I also did 45 minutes (nonstop,
I'll have you know) at the club and then walked to the WW meeting afterwards.
I'll be a mean lean fighting machine or die trying. So anybody who wants me to be a
buttocks donor had better contact me soon, while there's still enough to go around.