HOTTEST GIFT OF THE YEAR!!!!!

20 December 2002

OK--'fess up. How many of you have bought mini remote-controlled cars. I have it on very good authority (at least 3 e-mails a day) that these are the "hottest gift item of the year" and that they are "sold out in stores" and "very difficult to get."

Uh...

If they're so damn difficult to get why am I being barraged by ads telling me how lucky I am to find the place which can get these very difficult-to-find toys?

I actually know someone who bought one of these. Well, I don't really know her. I know her from an e-mail list. She mentioned in passing that she had just bought this remote-controlled car and was kind of worried because it wasn't nearly as "exciting" as she thought it would be. D'ya think that she might have been...duped? Nahhhhh...Would a manufacturer do that at Christmas time?

I'm making my list and checking it twice. I figure with all this spam, I should be able to do my last minute Christmas shopping just from the great can't-resist offers that come flooding into my e-mail on a minute-by-minute basis.

For Marta, obviously the Black and Decker home repair CD ROM. She and Ned have been fixing up their new house--painting, building furniture, hanging photos all over the place. I'm sure this will be perfect for her to help Ned with all the repairs.

I had considered getting that for him until I saw the Crayola Trace-and-Draw. He's always been artistic, and this promises to give him "hours of drawing fun!" If there's anything Ned needs it's something to give him hours of creative fun. Yes, yes--this is the very thing.

Jeri will like the Incredible Illuminating Pen Light. Since she spends so much time in dark theatres--and since in the daytime she is a teacher, I'm sure she can use this wonderful implement to do her lesson plans during down times in the theatre. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Tom will love the free black ink cartridges for a year. As a computer person, I'm sure he goes through ink cartridges like mad and this will give him a whole year without having to go to the store to buy more ink. I'm such a thoughtful Mom.

"History Protector" is on my list for Grandma. Who knows what that old lady has been checking out--and we certainly don't want people knowing which porn sites she may have been visiting (she did check out Bare Naked Ladies, you know, hoping to find out what this on-line porn was all about). With "History Protector" she can feel safe in the knowledge that no matter what smut-for-the-elderly she may choose to investigate, nobody will ever know it.

My sister-in-law, who loves to add quaint things to her house, will surely appreciate "Talking T.P." It's the year's hottest gag gift, I'm told and you can record your own message. Just the thing to surprise her guests during Easter dinner. I can just see her eyes light up now as she opens her package. She'll love me forever.

Santiago Winkler is offering a Christmas special on Viagra. I'm sure that will be a great...uh...stocking stuffer for any number of people.

I think everyone will want the new World Trade Center coin. It's one full ounce of genuine silver and it only costs $30. Yes--everyone on my list will be getting this can't pass up gem.

I will enroll Laurel in the new Homeland Security Program, where she will learn threat analysis of domestic and international terrorism, surveillance techniques, theft, sabotage and espionage investigation, intelligence gathering and first responder training. Just the thing that a banker needs to be very productive. I'm such a considerate soon-to-be mother-in-law.

And for Audra, one of those new e-scooters, so she can rush about between all of her many activites, see more pets to doctor, and all without having to get on the LA freeways.  

I found the perfect gift for Peggy--$115 worth of cosmetics for only $1.  It's the gift that keeps on giving, because she doesn't use make-up, so this may very well be a lifetime supply.  --there's even a $35 value surprise gift, and who doesn't like surprises?

I'm gonna set Steve up as an Internet Kiosk rep. I haven't the slightest idea what this is, but I know he'll appreciate that he can make $225 a day by sitting at his computer. He sits at his computer all day long now for free, so this will be a vast improvement. I'll also set up an account at InterCasino for Olivia and watch her parlay that $25 into thousands, as only she can do. I'm such a considerate friend.

Now that her mother-in-law (at age 106) is finally gone, my mother has Sundays free, so maybe I should sign her up with any of the bazillion dating services that promise to find my perfect mate. She's 83 now and the chance of finding another old geezer with a mother to take care of are probably extremely slight, so this might be just the very thing to comfort her in her twilight years. I'm such a considerate daughter.

OraMD is just the perfect gift for Walt. Bill Gore of Cincinnati (surely that's a real name) has assured me that it has cured his bleeding gums. Walt's periodentist will be very happy that I've bought him such a considerate gift. I'll even toss in a bottle of Swiss Army men's cologne. Everyone should smell like a sweaty Swiss soldier. (Maybe I should then also look at detached house for one of us...)

I just don't know how I could get through Christmas without all of the helpful suggestions from these internet spammers.