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(and I thought I was FAT here!)

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...I was here!

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1985 - 80 lbs gone

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1986 -
the dress was a sack...
and it was too tight

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1995 -
...weight back again
and then some

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resigned to being fat
the rest of my life

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on the way down again

28 August 2002

Well, having lost 1.2 lbs today, I am now over 75 lbs lost (75.1, to be exact). I'm inching up to equal the most weight I ever lost on a diet: 80 lbs. I expect to go past that, eventually.

The other night, when I was looking through old scrapbooks looking for pictures of long lost (or misplaced) friends, I was, at the same time, reliving the ups and downs of my weight history. I am the classic yoyo dieter and I'm hoping that this time I can finally pick a weight and stay there.

I went on my first diet at age 10. Too many chocolate chip cookies snuck out of the old pig-shaped cookie jar, too many servings of fried bread dough, too great an inability to stay away from the treats. On that diet, they made me drink skim milk, which I gagged down. My father was of the "richer is better" school and so we always had rich milk, cream, etc. Going from that to skim milk was terrible. But a strange thing happened. When I had lost the weight I needed to lose at that time and was able to drink whole milk again, I didn't like it. I've drunk skim milk ever since (though I have lately allowed myself 1% milk on cereal, so it has a bit more flavor to it, though it is still the same point value as skim milk)--it was the only healthy thing I've done consistently throughout my life!

By the time I graduated from grammar school, I was actually a "normal weight" and pretty much remained that until I got pregnant the first time, though seeing the numbers "150" on the scale made me feel fat. "Normal" people were supposed to weigh 125, dontcha know? I don't know where I got that idea, but it didn't take into account the fact that I was almost 5'8" tall. It also didn't help that Walt, who is 5'6" only weighed 135 at the time (he's not much more than that now) and during my only period of semi- anorexia, thought I looked terrific when I got down to 135 lbs myself. That didn't last. There was always the lure of bread and butter.

I gained a lot of weight with Jeri. I don't remember how much. But I remember having a yelling match with one of the ob's a I saw. A guy I hadn't seen before (and refused to see afterwards) who came into the exam room just long enough to tell me what a terrible person I was for gaining so much weight. He refused to talk with me and the last sight I had of him was his back walking away from me. I took down his name and through the rest of my pregnancies refused to see that guy.

But the weight was a problem after she was born. Then I was strict about my diet during my pregnancy with Ned, and actually weighed less than before I got pregnant when he was born.

Throughout the other pregnancies, the weight kept see-sawing around, mostly going up, bit by bit.

In 1985, I decided to Get Serious. This was going to be The Last Diet. I'd lose it all and then be "normal" for the rest of my life. That's when I lost the 80 lbs. The kids were so proud of me--I still have a poster in the kitchen that Tom gave me when he became so excited about the success of my diet. My goal had been to lose 100 lbs, but when I hit 80, I started backsliding and it began to creep up again. By the time Gilbert died in 1986, I had put back 60 of the 80 lbs I'd lost.

After he died, I didn't care. I self-medicated with food and, over the next 10 years, I must have gained at least 10 lbs a year, if not more. I had brief attempts to lose, but the "diets" never lasted more than the first two or three weeks. There was a brief period two years ago, when I first started this journal, when I managed to keep going for a month or so, but I gradually gave that up as well.

So I'm leery about losing all of this weight. I know how easy it is to give it all up, how quickly it all comes back, how hard it is to get back to diet mode. So while I celebrate having reached 75 lbs (75.1--let's be precise!) today, it scares me because it's so easy to become complacent.

I take it as a huge thing that I managed to go out to a roadhouse for Ned's birthday this week and not only stick to my diet, but end up UNDER my point allottment for the day. I think that's a first.

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Thank you for nominating my entry, Moving On for a DiaristNet award!

Quote of the Day

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

- Erma Bombeck

Picture of the Day

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One Year Ago
Sock It to Me
But I am an eternal optimist. I truly believe there will still be Social Security when I'm old enough to start collecting my $35 a month, I believe foods eaten while standing really don't have any calories, I believe that eventually I will find a way to reduce the amount of junk mail I receive, I believe that David Gerrold will some day finish the Chtorr series, and I believe that some day I will find the mates to all these sox.

Two Years Ago
Rockin' in the Bonus Round
He introduced the new song, The Closet, without comment, saying he "didn't like to talk much." For some reason, this brought guffaws from the audience. Imagine that.

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Pounds Lost:  75.1
(this figure is updated on Tuesdays)

On the Odometer:  591.4

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Created 8/27/02