BREAD AND BUTTER
15 August 2002
My friend Diane joined WeightWatchers recently and we've been comparing notes. She tells
me that her leader (who sounds like a stand-up comedian), in discussing WW's points
system, allows for the inevitable "million point day," those days when you lose
all self control and dive headfirst into whatever happens to be standing by that you've
been religiously (and effortlessly) avoiding in the days and weeks prior.
I had such a day over the 4th of July. Didn't have a clue what caused it, but there I was
at 2 a.m., standing shoulder deep in chocolate cake, hating myself, and wondering what in
the hell snapped.
The secret, the leader assures his members, is not to beat yourself up over losing
control, it's to nip it in the bud. OK--you had a bad day. Everybody has bad days. The
REALLY bad days are those that start bad weeks, bad months, and then bad indefinite
periods of time.
After my "fall from grace" (I put that in for Steve...to test
whether he's really reading or not), the miracle for me was that I was
able to pick myself up, get back to my new "lifestyle plan," and continue on.
It's hard to know what causes slips like that. In the past, a gain--of any amount--would
set me into a tailspin. "I've gained an ounce, might as well give up." (That's
pretty much how I handled college: "I'm flunking this course; I might as well give up
school.") That's why I set my thought processes to regard this not as a diet, but as
a change of life--another one. (Since I work all day with menopausal women, I thought I
should clarify that!)
After the chocolate cake incident, I made certain that for the next week, I was religious
about journaling every bite that went into my mouth, that I got rid of all the
"treats" that I have on this "new lifestyle" that could tempt me into
another little slip, and that I bulked up on veggies.
Changing this lifestyle involves doing more meal planning. Someone on The Pointers, a
group for people on WeightWatchers (marvelous group for support, kvetching, reporting, and
inspiration) generally posts the question to the group each morning: what are you having
for dinner this evening?
Heck, I'm lucky if I know what we're having for dinner when 7 p.m. rolls around.
And that's a problem. If I plan ahead, follow a meal plan, then I'm less likely to be
tempted by something else. If I wait till the last minute, when I'm already tired, I just
grab whatever is closest at hand, and the means aren't as balanced, or as filling, or as
nutritious, and leave the path open to snacking--oh, on legal snacks, to be sure, but
still not the regimented daytime meals that I can have when I'm really working at it.
Another dangerous time for me is going out to eat. There was some funny list that was
circulating awhile ago about how you know you're on WeightWatchers and one of the points
was that you chose to stay home rather than going out to a meal because you couldn't
calculate the points in a restaurant. Sad, but I find that's really true.
In spite of that, I think I did pretty good in LA last weekend. The best meal was the egg
scramble where everything was zero points except the chicken in it. I was quite proud of
that! I even allowed myself a roll with butter because I had points to spare. And since we
were running around so much, I didn't have time to "pick" (with
"proper" foods or otherwise).
So when I got on that plane to come home and cinched the seatbelt a good six inches to fit
snugly around my lap, and folded the tray table down in front of me--flat, with several
inches of space between me and it (unheard of in recent years), I was feeling right proud
of myself.
I went from the airport directly to the office and stayed there until about 3:30. This
being the "new age" in air travel, I had no snack on the plane, so had had
nothing to eat when I got to the office. Dr. G, whose wife is a flight attendant (so he
knows) brought me a banana, yogurt and a granola bar for breakfast, and thought to pack a huge
sandwich and a peach for my lunch, since we were going to have a long day.
It was all marvelous--and he assured me that it was all healthy. Problem was that the
yogurt--cream topped Brown Cow brand--was twice the calories and fat content of my usual non-fat
Yoplait (even if it WAS nutritious), and the granola bars were also, while nutritious,
higher calories than I would have had with, say, a Pria bar.
As for the sandwich--my lord, the man can fix my lunch any day. It was roast lean pork on
bread with mayonnaise and lots of green stuff--lettuce, cucumber, tomato (I guess those
aren't green, are they?), sprouts, etc. Stuff I don't ordinarily like (the green stuff),
but somehow whatever he did was downright delicious. He assured me that the only thing of
questionable value in the sandwich was the mayonnaise, and I assured him I could have a
little mayonnaise. BUT the sandwich was huge and, "good quality" or not, it was
twice what I probably should have eaten. And I relished it all.
I didn't make the WW weigh-in at my usual time, 7:30 a.m., so went to the 6 p.m. weigh-in.
By that time I'd had a whole day of eating, so was not weighing on an empty stomach like I
usually do. To compensate, I removed my shoes for the very first time since I started WW.
It was silly, I realized, but somehow I had come to realize that those numbers mattered to
me. I like seeing that "weight lost" counter below this journal page go down
each week.
So I was very disappointed that even without shoes, there was a half pound gain.
I said in January that since this wasn't a diet, but a lifestyle change, I wouldn't worry
about things like taking off shoes, making sure my bladder was empty, not drinking coffee
('cause someone said it adds 2 lbs when you weigh), or any of the other extremes people go
to before coming to a weigh in. But I have gotten used to seeing that scale go down
(almost) every week and that's why I took my shoes off. I wanted that extra boost to get
the weight down on paper.
But with the removed shoes, I still gained .8 lbs. Was it the sandwiches? Was it fat
turning into muscle? Was it that I'd eaten all day, and was not weighing on an empty
stomach? Did it matter? I will admit I didn't beat myself up over it. I knew I'd been
"good" (how I hate the terms "good" and "bad" for weight
loss. Gaining doesn't make you a bad person any more than losing makes you a good person.
We get too hung up on the terms "bad" and "good," and yet we all use
them.)
So then, if I felt that way and if I'd been wonderfully compliant with my eating program
all weekend....why the bloody hell did I fall apart this morning?????
It was bread and butter. It's been months since I've had butter (save for one pat on my
roll at breakfast in LA). I haven't even missed it. Suddenly there was a new, nice soft
loaf of non-high-fiber bread and nice soft butter and...what would a piece of toast...or
four...hurt? It's not that it started a whole eating binge reminiscent of the chocolate
cake incident, but it was an out of control moment and I hate it when I do that--and I
don't understand what makes me do it.
For dinner tonight, I cooked a low-point WeightWatchers TV dinner and a mountain of
broccoli. And yes, I will record the million points for my indulgence this morning. But
working with Dr. G this afternoon and hearing him talking to patients about problems of
weight, cardiac health, diabetes, plus feeling how easy it was for me to get up from
chairs, bend over, etc., will get me right back on track again.
But I guess that some bread and butter--or chocolate cake--just is going to come along
once in awhile. It's like a menstrual cycle, which I haven't had for years. Or maybe it's
the phases of the moon. Or sunspots. Or whatever.
In any event, in the interest of total honesty with everybody who reads this journal--and
especially with myself--I have now made my confession (again) and I'll go say 3 Our
Fathers and 3 Hail Marys and read a chapter from a vegetarian cookbook to absolve me of my
guilt.
Thank you for nominating my entry, Moving On for a DiaristNet award! |
